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I am tired of striving.

"A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough.  She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that he finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in him, she is enough.  In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our striving."
~Captivating

My heart is

full... 

God is taking me to Africa.
Flight tickets bought, bags just about packed, countless prayers prayed, hugs given, phone calls made, letters sent, surprises prepared, conferences attended...
2 days ago I got this e-mail and talked to my dad on the phone.  There was suddenly a possibility the trip was off.  My heart was stricken.  Lies haunted me- God does not want to use me.  I am never going to be good enough.  Lies multiplied.
Then I just had a peace.  I knew the truth.  NO MATTER IF I WAS ABLE TO TAKE THE TRIP OR NOT, GOD LOVED ME.  If He was going to close that door, it was only because He was going to open another one.  Still, I felt such a strong calling to go.  Why would God call me and prepare me and put the pieces completely in place to abandon me?  My God is faithful.  He has steadfast love.  He will not leave me.  And He didn't.
I started reading Psalm 91 and dwelled on God's promises.  And you know what? He kept His promise!  
Tomorrow God is going to begin to stretch my faith in a completely new way as I embark on a trip to Africa.  I will be sure to keep you updated on the adventure as well as I can.   All I know is that these words cannot do justice to the overwhelming joy in my heart.  God has not abandoned me or found me useless.  He wants me to shine for Him on another continent.   


As I look back on my Freshman year of college, God never once left my side!  He was there during the good, bad, mundane, and joyous.  He was there and it was His will.  My heart is full. 

Realizations...

"To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do- to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its hardest and worst- is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed."


~Frederick Buechner

To the audience of {1}

Friday I had a little meltdown.  Okay, it wasn't that little.  I kind of may have lost my cool because I found people were using my kindness to take advantage of me.  It kind of hurt.  However, a huge part of it was rooted in this tiresome desire in me to always please everyone.  I have spent a large portion of my life living to make other people happy or like me.  Then when I can't seem to make them happy or please them no matter if I am trying hard to please them, it's hard.
  
What I realized through a good talk with a friend of mine later that evening is that I can't keep living for others to see.  I need to live to the Lord- unto that audience of one.  Then I also need to let God do the work AND get the credit.  He deserves it, not me.  Instead of focusing so much on what others see in me and what others need to do themselves, I will focus on God.  He loves me all the time.  He has made me "fearfully and wonderfully," a workmanship he wants to use.  If I start looking to God to define me, hopefully I will not keep swinging between this intolerable self-pride and awful self-pity.  Though I am a sinful human being, God has chosen to use me.   How blessed I am to be able to partner with Him in service and live for His glory all the days of my life.


Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and race, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel,  for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." ~2 Timothy 1:8-12~

The Waking Dawn.

No.  I will not give up.  I refuse to give in.  I will continue to serve, to pray, to hope.  God is gently working in people's hearts.  No, I can't see it all completely, but I still believe it. Prayers are slowly but surely being answered.  The Holy Spirit is convicting.  Hearts are waking.  Lives are changing.  Hope is arriving.  Gradually, the dawn is coming.  

"...to give knowledge of salvation to his people 

in the forgiveness of their sins, 

because of the tender mercy of our God, 

whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high

to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, 

to guide our feet into the way of peace.” 

Luke 1:77-79

Valleys of the Everyday.

The other day I woke up in the morning discontented.  I had dreamed I was in college, in Chicago.  The leaves were changing, the weather was perfect, the sky was blue.  There were red balloons everywhere and excitement was all around because it was missions week at college.  There I was, in the middle of a beautiful big city, caught up in the beauty of serving God.  And it seemed perfect.

But it was a dream.  I woke up.

Oswald Chambers reminded me that day, "We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life- those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration.  We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength."  Jesus took a few of His disciples up on the mountain to be inspired, but they couldn't stay there.  Life isn't all mountaintop experiences with Christ, it's real.  Real life is often mundane, harsh, customary, bothersome, and just plain demanding.

The other day my boss at work really gave me an inspiring pep talk.  Even though this year isn't the mountaintop experience I expected it to me, I need to be faithful during my trials.  I need to continue to be a good steward during this time.  He mentioned that often we ask God to strengthen us and use us but then we don't expect it to be difficult.  But it is.  However, this builds character.

I want character.  A year ago I thought I was strong, but that was because I was ignorant of troubles.  A year later, I'm a stronger person because I've faced the trials and overcome. 

I'm still dreaming of Chi-town in the Autumn, with red balloons, missions week, and good friends.  However, I see that the valley times aren't all that unnecessary.  They only make us stronger so we can really relate to others and become more useful to God.  If I'm faithful in valley, the mountaintops will just seem that much more great.

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
  Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

I don't know why I'm still waiting... or do I?

But I am and it's the right thing.

I'm walking in obedience to God and that's what is most important. 
"Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him,

And He shall bring it to pass.

He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday.

Rest in the Lord,

and Wait patiently for Him."

Psalms 37:4-37a

Nearly every day I pray in Operation World, for countries that need Christ's love.

Then I go to countless locations around the world with my family.

But I don't get to go on missions trips.

2x. That's all.

And those two times in Bahamas and Mexico were wonderful.

Everything that God taught me was brought to life.

But I prayed so many times for God to send me out again, to the field.

And so far He's said "no" countless times.

No to Ethiopia, No to Bahamas again, No to Mexico again, No to Uganda.

I know why God did what He did.

Instead of Ethiopia, He wanted me to bond with my class on our 10th grade retreat.

And when the Bahamas trip was cancelled, I began praying for the 6 months leading up to Mexico.

I didn't get to go to Mexico again, but I did get to speak at their dinner fundraiser.

And if I had gone to Uganda I wouldn't have been able to lead a group at camp or help out at Liberty or be with my family when I needed to be.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,

To those who are the called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

Clearly God has always had me in the right place at the right time.

He sees the big picture.

Looking forward, I can trust that God will put me in the right place,

whether that be right where I am or one day in Uganda or Greece or wherever He may call me.

I can't keep letting Satan have a foothold and whisper:

"You are not adequate enough to ever go on the mission field, that is why God won't open the doors."

"You must have mistaken God's calling to surrender all, others have callings but can't you see by where you are: you. don't. matter."

"You will be waiting your whole life"

"Full surrender to God will not result in joy but pain"

"God is never going to give you an answer"

"How can God use you when you are sitting around at home studying?  You have all this knowledge but it's useless"

"Waiting on God is a waste of time"
Lies. The truth is, that to God:
"Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice..."
1 Samuel 15:22
I actually do know why I'm still waiting.
God has asked me to wait, so I wait.
I wait, I hope, I trust, I obey.
One day, He will ask me to go somewhere for Him.
And I will go.
"Show me Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day."
Psalms 25:4-5

Overcoming.

This past week God kept allowing a certain conversation to come up.  I heard others- my parents, my teachers, my guidance counselors, my friends- all express to me in one or another that I need to be less afraid to be persuasive, decisive, and confident.  These remarks didn't upset me.  But they brought to view a deep spiritual issue that has been torturing me for my whole life (and especially the past few months) in my walk with God.  Up until this point, being steadfast meant bearing blows and enduring through pain and trials.  However, I've come to see that standing steadfast doesn't just involve taking blows, but dishing some out too.

Shocking, I know!  You see, I've realized that I've endured so much pain in the past months because I've let Satan walk all over me.  I've had so many spiritual attacks- lies whispered in my ear.  Lies like "I have nothing to offer," "I don't want to burden others with my problems," "I'm never going to be enough," "I don't deserve something this good," and "I can take this, I am strong enough on my own to take this."  Have you ever experienced this?

"I have nothing to offer" means I don't speak up even when I do have something important to say.  It means I don't take chances because I feel unworthy.

"I don't want to burden others with my problems" means that I bear every burden alone.  And God says "His yoke is easy and His burden is light."  But not to me.  Instead of speaking up, breaking down, I push the problem deeper inside.  This is why I have trouble being honest with my family and friends.

"I'm never going to be enough" relates to how I never feel good enough for my parents.  Even though they hardly express disapproval of me, Satan twists their words to make me feel insufficient.

"I don't deserve something this good" is a new lie Satan has put on me recently.  When I got deferred to college, I felt that I didn't deserve something that good.  When my small group leader bought muffins for my birthday and my small groups sang Happy Birthday to me, I felt completely like I, of all people, shouldn't be that blessed.

"I can take this, I am strong enough on my own to take this" is becoming the worst lie of all.  Because the truth is that I can't take all this on my own.  And I am not strong against the enemy.  Look at all the lies he's deceived me with! 

In the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge it says: "Now, often the hardest person to fight for is . . . yourself.  But you must.  Your heart is needed.  You must be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others.  Without you, much will be lost.  It is time to take a stand and to stand firm.  We are at war.  You are needed."

1 John 4:4 says "Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world."

The song Our God by Chris Tomlin goes:
"And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against."


Right now I know it won't be easy, but I won't let the enemy have a foothold in my life any longer.  It may take a lot of praying God's word, but "We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimonies."

Amazing Grace.

For years, I felt as if I had to earn grace.

And I never could.

Because grace is not something to be earned.

"And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace." Romans 11:6

I thought I was not good enough for God's grace

But by thinking this, I was really saying that God's grace was not good enough.
What a horrible lie to believe.

When I accepted Christ as my Savior years ago,

and then rededicated my life to him after ninth grade, I acknowledged grace.

But lately God has really been reminding me of it.

Because I don't deserve and can't earn Jesus.

 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9

In the Hillsong documentary, a quote caught my eye:

"He loved me when I was useless to Him"

Wow.

That's what makes believing in Christ so wonderful.

It takes such a burden off my life.

I'm not following Christ so I can earn heaven or salvation or love.

I follow Him because I love Him.

Because He loved me first.

"If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."



Hello Hurricane.

I knew this week would be tough, just not to this extent.
Deadlines. Mid-terms. Projects.  And I thought I had it all figured out.
All it takes is a minute and I lose 18 pages of work, almost all of my apologetics project.

That was not a good way to start this week.  I was so upset, and I just lost it.  Everything makes so much sense when it's going good, as planned.  It's easy to stand steadfast when there's no storm.  Then the hurricane hits and takes away everything you had worked so hard for. I did to me today.

But it made me realize something.  After I had grown angry and displaced it on my father and sister, I felt even more horrible.  Thoughts crowded my mind like "Melissa, you are an idiot for not saving that project somewhere else.  Melissa, you lost your temper and got angry, you aren't good enough.  Melissa, you don't deserve grace from your teacher about this, you blew it.  Melissa, you see, you don't deserve to call yourself a child of God, you don't deserve to aspire to serve Him, you don't deserve to have the dreams you have and you especially don't deserve to go to the college you applied to and hope to get into."

True.  I don't deserve much.  However, the tone above is one of lies.  The truth is: "Melissa, you learned a lesson now, pick back up the computer and start over.  Melissa, ask for grace, you are saved by it.  Melissa, you are God's child not because you deserve it, but because you have faith and you have received grace.  Melissa, not one of the heroes of the Bible (besides Jesus), from Abraham to Moses to Elijah to Jeremiah to David, was perfect.  God acomplished His will through quite imperfect people.  Melissa, trust that God has a plan for you that is for good, to give you a future and a hope.  Melissa, if God wants you to go to that college, it's not because you deserve it.  It is because it is His plan.  Keep following and seeking Him and He will take you right where He wants you."

Hello Hurricane, You're not enough.  Hello Hurricane, You can't silence my love.

I will get through this crazy week.  I will stand steadfast in God.  I will be rooted despite the hurricane.  And I won't believe the lies but the truth.  And that truth will set me free. :)

Not. Good. Enough.

Three words that haunted me for a long time. 

On chapel on Friday when the drama group did a skit, that’s the character I related with; the one who said she never felt good enough.  Pretty much all middle school and ninth grade I believed that lie and every now and then it still pops into my head.

I don’t think I’m the only one who has felt this way.  Apart from God’s grace, I don’t think we can possibly ever feel sufficient.  

To overcome this deception, I love to return in 2 Corinthians.  Chapter 12 verse 9- “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’”

I am not good enough in the least on my own.  My striving isn’t enough.  My goal-making isn’t enough.  My rules list isn’t enough.  My own attempts are not enough.  My accomplishments are not even enough.  However, I am sufficient in Christ. 

2 Corinthians 3:5-6 reads, “Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.” 

Lord, “Your Grace is Enough.”