My heart is

full... 

God is taking me to Africa.
Flight tickets bought, bags just about packed, countless prayers prayed, hugs given, phone calls made, letters sent, surprises prepared, conferences attended...
2 days ago I got this e-mail and talked to my dad on the phone.  There was suddenly a possibility the trip was off.  My heart was stricken.  Lies haunted me- God does not want to use me.  I am never going to be good enough.  Lies multiplied.
Then I just had a peace.  I knew the truth.  NO MATTER IF I WAS ABLE TO TAKE THE TRIP OR NOT, GOD LOVED ME.  If He was going to close that door, it was only because He was going to open another one.  Still, I felt such a strong calling to go.  Why would God call me and prepare me and put the pieces completely in place to abandon me?  My God is faithful.  He has steadfast love.  He will not leave me.  And He didn't.
I started reading Psalm 91 and dwelled on God's promises.  And you know what? He kept His promise!  
Tomorrow God is going to begin to stretch my faith in a completely new way as I embark on a trip to Africa.  I will be sure to keep you updated on the adventure as well as I can.   All I know is that these words cannot do justice to the overwhelming joy in my heart.  God has not abandoned me or found me useless.  He wants me to shine for Him on another continent.   


As I look back on my Freshman year of college, God never once left my side!  He was there during the good, bad, mundane, and joyous.  He was there and it was His will.  My heart is full. 

(What I Know)

Face like a Flint.

Isaiah 50:7-
“ For the Lord GOD will help Me;
      Therefore I will not be disgraced;
      Therefore I have set My face like a flint,
      And I know that I will not be ashamed."

Why am I so quick to lose courage?  When God gives me guidance, why can't I seem to stand up for it?  Deep down, I know I have this confidence and trust in Christ.  Yet, I am so quick to be shaken, to waver.

Give me the strength, to trust what You say.  
That you're good, and your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give you my life...
I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but my God you never will. 

My Prayer.

Back in September, I had just finished the book The Christian Atheist the day after I had visited the college I am now still waiting to hear from.  This was my prayer.

9/10/10-
     Deep inside, I'm dying to live out "third line" christianity.  Today in my college interview, the man asked me what trials I've faced that have made me stronger.  Honestly, I have not faced many (if any at all) tribulations.  I'm not being stretched.  I love Jesus and I'm serving, but I'm comfortable.
     Lord, I realize this is not an instant process... This needs to be a daily step I take each day to be challenged.  This also has to be a matter of the heart, where my love for God and to be His overcomes what is easiest.  It overcomes the status quo and the "rich young ruler" mindset.  My love for God needs to be SO REAL it can conquer hatred and selfishness and pride.  I will still sin, but I will get back up.  I want to now face adversity to be stronger.  If God's will for me is ministry, I want to be challenged now, to grow now.  I WANT TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE, to know the horrors and cries of a broken world, and yet see beauty for ashes all the same.  I want to be stretched now, to be held accountable.
     It won't be like instant coffee or a TV dinner.  It will be long and hard, like training for a marathon. It will take discipline! It will take You Lord and drawing closer to You! It will take not settling for good enough.  It will take prayer.  But I'm ready as I'll ever be.  Bring me on this road to surrender.  Waken me morning by morning to listen to You like one being taught.
     I'm tired of being a "christian atheist." Change me Lord! Savior change me and help me!

For now we see in a mirror, dimly,

Where are you going to college? someone would casually ask.  And six months ago I would casually respond: Well, I feel like this college is where God is calling me, but if He doesn't call me there, He must have something better for me. It was so simple to say that then.  There was this plan; I made it, I loved it, it would serve God, and He would bless it. 2+2=4.  It was just that mathmatical.


Now here I sit, wondering why I had that mindset.  How was I so blind to my own motives?  I told myself and everyone else that I was convinced that God knows best wherever He would send me for college.  Then when God didn't do what I expected, I fell apart.  Well, almost.


All this time God had been teaching me to stand steadfast in the faith.  All this time He wanted me to love Him with all my being.  He wanted my heart, not flattery.  He wanted the deepest part of me to worship Him, not to beg Him for what I wanted.  I told Him I wanted what He wanted.  But a condition was silently tacted on.  I wanted what He wanted if it was what I wanted too.


Now I'm actually learning to want what God wants, to love Him unconditionally.  I can pray to God now with no strings attached.  I know that wherever He takes me for college will be best.  I'm not just saying this from on top of a spiritual high mountain, but from the middle of an expansive desert. 


We see in a mirror dimly...  I do not see the big picture.  But I am learning I don't have to.  Faith is not just a five letter word.  It's belief deep down that God knows what best and He will provide all things for good.  It may not be what I think is good.  But He knows what's good more than I do myself. 


So do I abandon those genuine vocation dreams I wrote about?  Do I abandon the college I dreamed about that was supposed to bring me closer to God, but really seperated me from Him? 


My mentor told me this: If God still wants you to go to this college, the door will still be open in April.  If God's purpose of my being deferred was teaching me to live out patience, faith, and perserverance and God still can use my life there now that I've learned, I can't completely abandon hope.  But now I see something else.  If God were to change my plans, it would be okay.  God's purpose for my entire existence is not to go to this college.  It's to know Him, love Him, perservere in steadfast faith, and love others along the way. I love what I read in Oswald Chambers yesterday (actually found on Feb. 22).  I posted the devotion below.


Tenacity is more than endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire. Tenacity is more than hanging on, which may be but the weakness of being too afraid to fall off. Tenacity is the supreme effort of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered. The greatest fear a man has is not that he will be damned, but that Jesus Christ will be worsted, that the things He stood for - love and justice and forgiveness and kindness among men - will not win out in the end; the things He stands for look like will-o'-the-wisps. Then comes the call to spiritual tenacity, not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately on the certainty that God is not going to be worsted.
 
If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified. There is nothing noble the human mind has ever hoped for or dreamed of that will not be fulfilled. One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God. "Because thou hast kept the word of my patience."
 
Remain spiritually tenacious.

In Full Assurance of Faith.

Today was not quite as painful as I thought it would be.  I had a great talk with my guidance counselor that really encouraged me.  Then I went to art class where my teacher placed a tiny mustard seed in my hand and asked me if I had faith that size.  After Art, small groups was a chance for me to be vulnerable and honest because I am not perfect and neither is my life, especially right now.  My friend lead small group today and brought up verses about encouragement and fellowship.  I read this one and it stood out to me:

"Therefore, brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He consecrated for us, through the veil, that is, His flesh, and having a High Priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:19-25

I'm not alone at this time.  I have the support of countless friends, mentors, and family.  God will take me wherever He wants me for college and I will glorify Him no matter where that is.  My sister told me tonight that I just need to fully surrender the situation to God and not carry the burden anymore.  Very little is in my control and very much is in His.  He sees the big picture and knows what's best, even though I can't see it right now.  Nothing better can be done than a full surrender to Him at this time.

I wish facing trials was as easy as writing this blog entry.  It's not so.  I think maybe if I stop thinking so much about myself and focus on others more, then maybe I can gain some perspective and realize how small my problems are.  I am not the main character of this story, God is. 

"Whatever's in front of me, I'll choose to sing Hallelujah."

1 Peter 5:6-11- "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him because He cares for you.  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking who he may devour.  Resist him, steadfast in the faith knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by Your brotherhood in the world.  but may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.  To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen."

I'm waiting still God.  I love you.

To be where You are Lord, now and forever.

12:32 AM

I can't sleep.  Read Jeremiah and Be Decisive.  Prayed.  Looked at yearbooks.  Read over the ending of a book.  Listened to my i-pod.  And now I'm blogging... I really can't sleep.

It's probably because I have a million things going on tomorrow... well actually today.  And today, well yesterday, I had a million things going on too. 

Today (well yesterday),  I felt so spiritually exhausted during the school day.  Then I came home and ran two miles and poured out my feelings to God and began to have peace.  I don't seem to become spiritually exhausted from tough events as much the mundane deserts of time.  And I've been in this time of waiting and trusting and wondering for quite a while and had begun to get discouraged.  However, "steadfast" means staying faith-full that God is working everything for good despite those deserts.  And that's what I realized.  God reminded me when I prayed that He is faithful and that I need to be still and know that He is God.  After God showed me this, I talked with my friend on the phone about a college that God had closed the door to for her.  It was so encouraging to hear how she was okay with the outcome and only wants God's best for her.  Though it didn't work out how she originally hoped it would, she grew closer to God through it.  And she will continue to grow closer to Him and follow wherever He leads her to college.  My friend's response  helped me realize the answer that had been torturing me for a long time.  I only have applied to one college so far and have done so on purpose.  Most people would declare that foolish, because I could probably get into quite a few schools if I wanted to.  But I only want to serve God and put full faith in Him.  And I'm exercising that faith by applying to only this one college.  For the longest time, I thought that if I don't get into this one college, I am going to not be able to do what God called me to and I would look like a complete fool.  I could imagine the cruel laughs: "She trusted in God and look what happened to her?  She just ruined her future..."  There are countless verses about God rewarding faith, like Hebrews 11:6 which says "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."  However, if I don't get into this college, I know longer will feel hopelessness and disgrace.  I'll know that applying to that college was more than a waste of time.  The time I spent on the campus showed me true, unfettered devotion to God and His callings.  The essays solidified what God is calling me to.  The waiting increased my faith and taught me true steadfastness.  The prayer taught me to look at the big picture and pray for others first.  And God would work something out, He always does.  ^This is faith.  And this is peace.  And this is hope.  I pray that next fall I will be standing on that lovely campus so far away setting up my dorm room, singing in chapel, and sharing God's love in that city.  But it's not just the end of the world if I'm not.  And it's not even the end anymore, it's the journey.  This crazy adventure God has and will continue to take my on, no matter where I go. 

Tomorrow (well today), is just the next step in this ultimate adventure I am on.  It will not be easy in the least.  Maybe my friends and I can persuade the elementary principal and students to allow us to collect items for Love Bags.  Maybe a new boldness will fall on the prayer group.  Maybe the Pep Rally will give me the chance to see a united High School.  Maybe my sister will play guitar for the kids at golden acres.  Maybe a long-awaited letter will be in the mail.  Maybe today will be full of surprises.  Maybe I should go to bed now so I can wake up today and find out...

"Strength Will Rise As We Wait Upon The Lord

 We Will Wait Upon The Lord

  We Will Wait Upon The Lord."

"A quiet steadfast holding of the human will to the will of God and a peaceful resting in His love and care is of infinitely greater value in the religious life than the most intense emotions or the most wonderful experiences that have ever been known by the greatest mystic of them all."
~Hanny Whitall Smith

Looking back, I see those landmark moments in my relationship with Christ- rededication to Christ, summer camp, mexico missions trip...  I used to be upset if I felt as if I wasn't experiencing mountain-top moments all the time.  Was I doing something wrong?  I've found that having that feeling all the time is impossible.  But Christianity isn't a feeling.  It's fact and faith.  I am actually learning the significance of these quiet moments too.  It definitely takes more faith to get through these times of waiting and trusting.  And I think I grow closer to God through them.  I become more disciplined and challenged.  Blessed be the Lord in the valleys and on the mountains, and during these moments of steadfastness.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
~Joshua 1:9

Hello Hurricane.

I knew this week would be tough, just not to this extent.
Deadlines. Mid-terms. Projects.  And I thought I had it all figured out.
All it takes is a minute and I lose 18 pages of work, almost all of my apologetics project.

That was not a good way to start this week.  I was so upset, and I just lost it.  Everything makes so much sense when it's going good, as planned.  It's easy to stand steadfast when there's no storm.  Then the hurricane hits and takes away everything you had worked so hard for. I did to me today.

But it made me realize something.  After I had grown angry and displaced it on my father and sister, I felt even more horrible.  Thoughts crowded my mind like "Melissa, you are an idiot for not saving that project somewhere else.  Melissa, you lost your temper and got angry, you aren't good enough.  Melissa, you don't deserve grace from your teacher about this, you blew it.  Melissa, you see, you don't deserve to call yourself a child of God, you don't deserve to aspire to serve Him, you don't deserve to have the dreams you have and you especially don't deserve to go to the college you applied to and hope to get into."

True.  I don't deserve much.  However, the tone above is one of lies.  The truth is: "Melissa, you learned a lesson now, pick back up the computer and start over.  Melissa, ask for grace, you are saved by it.  Melissa, you are God's child not because you deserve it, but because you have faith and you have received grace.  Melissa, not one of the heroes of the Bible (besides Jesus), from Abraham to Moses to Elijah to Jeremiah to David, was perfect.  God acomplished His will through quite imperfect people.  Melissa, trust that God has a plan for you that is for good, to give you a future and a hope.  Melissa, if God wants you to go to that college, it's not because you deserve it.  It is because it is His plan.  Keep following and seeking Him and He will take you right where He wants you."

Hello Hurricane, You're not enough.  Hello Hurricane, You can't silence my love.

I will get through this crazy week.  I will stand steadfast in God.  I will be rooted despite the hurricane.  And I won't believe the lies but the truth.  And that truth will set me free. :)

December Discipline.

“Now, child,” said Aslan,… “I will wait here.  Go and wake the others and tell them to follow.  If they will not, then you at least must follow me alone.”  It is a terrible thing to have to wake four people, all older than yourself and all very tired, for the purpose of telling them something they probably won’t believe and making them do something they certainly won’t like. “I musn’t think about it.  I must just do it,” thought Lucy. ~Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis

Steadfast has been my word of focus for this school year.  As I look at its definition, I notice something.  To be fixed in direction,to be  firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment, to be unwavering, to be firmly fixed in place- these all are impossible without discipline.

I’ve found that the word “discipline” seems to have a negative connotation.  It did for the longest time to me.  Whenever one of my parents said the word discipline, it always meant my privileges were about to be revoked, my cellphone was going to be placed in the office drawer, my chores were about to increase, my allowance was going to be withheld.  It meant saying “no” to the things I wanted, and “yes” to the things I hate. 

I started reading the book Discipline by my favorite author Elisabeth Elliot.  What she explained was that “Discipline is the wholehearted yes to the call of God.”  God calls us to be his disciples, and in that way, be disciplined. 

“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age…” Titus 2:11-12

I’m not a very unruly or undisciplined teenager.  I do my school work, read my Bible daily, and keep up with my chores.  However, as I’ve come to realize that I base a lot on feelings.  I do my homework, yes, but only when I feel like it.  For example, right now I don’t feel like studying for my Spanish test tomorrow, so I am blogging.  If I feel hungry, I grab a snack from the kitchen.  If I feel like running a mile or two, I do, and if I don’t, I don’t.  If I feel like going on facebook ten times a day, I will.  Most people would not say there is anything wrong with this.  And technically, I am not sinning in any of this.  However, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want the urge to go a website to control my life.  I don’t want my feelings of being too tired in the morning to overpower my ability to get up early and pray.  My faith in God should not depend on feelings alone.  Neither should my walk in that faith.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

I must not think about it, I must just do it. Like Nike. ;) 

“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58

To Be Steadfast.

That's my goal this year.

"What is my vision of God's purpose for me? Whatever it may be, HIS PURPOSE IS FOR ME TO DEPEND ON HIM AND HIS POWER NOW. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish- HIS PURPOSE IS THE PROCESS ITSELF. What He desires for is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but SIMPLY HAVING THE ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT BECAUSE I see "Him walking on the sea." It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.”  ~Oswald Chambers

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is STEADFAST, because he trusts in you." ~Isaiah 26:3