Wavering.

I am like a cherry blossom blowing in the wind. 

I want to cry out like David: "I will never be shaken!"  I want to be loyal like Ruth: "Wherever you go I will go." I guess I don't have everything figured out.  But I'm holding onto the One who does.

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
~Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Beauty for Ashes.

What do I love?  Seeing God make beauty for ashes.

So often I feel like Jeremiah, with such a burden for the God's people and the lost, but no results in sight.  It's like "God, I pray everyday to you for my school, for this community, for countries and people around the world and then I don't see anything.  What now?"  However, lately, I have been seeing some amazing answers to prayer.  It's like when we do something whole-heartedly for God's glory and according to His will, He blesses it. 

 

1) In Mexico. On Friday in Chapel I saw more of what God did in Mexico while the Juniors were on their trip.  I was beyond encouraged.  It was estimated that somewhere around 500 people came to know Christ.  That number astounds me.  But what astounds me more is that for each and every person of that number now can have hope in Christ.  Though Mexico is ridden with crime and broken by poverty, it is finding beauty in Christ our Savior.  

2) At my school.My school has been hurting a lot lately, but we've grown together because of it.  I see God answering the prayers that we pray as a prayer group every Friday.  I see a divided school beginning to become united for Christ.  I see individuals really seeking God.  I know that I only see the outward appearance, and God looks at the heart, but I still can't help but be encouraged. 

3) In Human Trafficking. It's an intense subject, but it's one my school decided to address in their dance concert this year.  The dance explained the horrors and pains of human trafficking, but also the hope of God's redemption.  In a club at my school, students are uniting to race money to build a school in India for Dalit children.  One step at a time- awareness, action, support, God's help- can be the starting points that can led to us seeing God making beauty for ashes in this area.

4) In Golden Acres.  This community is truly being transformed.  Every Friday night when I am there with the kids, I watch the sunset in the background as we do worship and bible studies with the kids.  There is hope on the horizon.  And we all are beginning to see it.  This community is slowly but surely changing, by God's help and for His glory.  The children are beginning to really understand that our love for them is because of God.  I don't see the outreach there ending for many years.  Maybe, just maybe, each new generation of high school students each year will continue to embrace and pour into this neighborhood. 

5) At Love Bags. My friends and I are now going to be able to mobolize the elementary students to collect items for the outreach to the homeless- Love Bags.  We will hopefully be able to speak in their chapel and spur them on.  Then they can continue the ministry of Love Bags long after I graduate from high school.  I am in awe of God for working all this out.  Truly, I am so thankful to be able to be a part of all this as His servant.

Gracias Senor! Por todo!

These Things Take Time.

That Makes Sense...

Today I learned something quite helpful.  My friend had told me about this book: Strength Finders by Tom Roth.  I've been wanting to get it for a while so that I could assess what my strengths truly are and then be better able to grow in and utilize them.  Well, I was a bit surprised by some of my top strengths, but when I read into them further it made perfect sense! I'm not very much into self-improvement, but I like this book so that I can discover what I'm good at so that I can glorify God more with that.

Out of the 34 possible strength, mine were:
1) Connectedness- The secular description of this strength was a bit new agey, but I definitely see how this strength stands out in my life as a Christian.  I do  believe with all I am that everything happens for a reason.  I also believe that God has a plan for each and every person on earth.  As I admitted in english class the other day, I see the best in everyone.  And after traveling around to various different countries, I see distinct differences but I see so many patterns.  God is at work all across the world.  His church is not one in a single building, it is global.  I have this on my heart as I pray through Operation World each day.  People everywhere need God's love and Jesus's grace.  I see that and in that way feel a connectedness to others.  That's the way God made me: with this strength that gives me such a burden for my grade, my school, my church, the global church, the world.  That's why I want to write for a Christian missions or ministry organization after college.  I want to connect Christians to God, other Christians, and to unbelievers who need to hear God's word.
2) Input- It would be surprising to some people I know, but I actually have strong opinions about a lot of subjects.  Except, I am not the leader-type when it comes to sharing my opinion.  Ask me to edit your essay, or explain what I am learning and I will give you my input.  Having input is really important to a person who wants to go into writing or journalism.  I really see how God is using that piece in the plan for my life as well.
3) Responsibility- Especially when it comes to schoolwork, I am very good at being responsible.  I kind-of feel as if God has not asked too much extra out of me when it comes to responsibility, but I can imagine how He will challenge me with this in the future.
4) Achiever- This word would not surprise either of my parents or any of my friends.  God has given me a natural inclination toward striving to achieve.  This is a gift, especially when it comes to work and school, but I have to be careful to not let this come before people in my life.  I tend to put friendships on the backburner sometimes to ambition, and this is never good.  I pray that God will give me that balance.
5) Intellection- This strength, I believe, is because I like reading and I love to take part in deep conversations.  I am not a big fan of small talk, although sometimes it's hard to smoothly transfer from shallow conversation to deep thoughts.  This strength goes with connectedness in that I want to hear what is going on deep within people's lives.  I want to hear their hopes deep down.  The irony to all this is my own personal struggle to share really openly with others. 

It shouldn't not all about me, ever.  But I feel as if finding out these strengths helped solidify the calling I feel God has on my life.  :) If I can use my life to bring Him glory, that's what matters more.

Rollercoaster.

I can't really put words to everything that happened this past week.  It was all so deep.  I feel as if I grew up in the past few days.  Things didn't go the way I planned.  Nearly everyone I knew had raw emotions.  The awful and wonderful coincided and knowing how to feel was difficult for me.  Expressing my emotions is already hard for me, and in all the chaos, I felt as if I had to be the strong one.  The truth is, this week was a rollercoaster and I didn't even know how to pray during most of it.  But Friday night, I finally could.  I cried for my senior class and felt like Jeremiah crying for Judah.  I poured out my honest feelings to God about everything that had happened this past week.  It didn't take all the problems away, but it made me thankful:   Thankful because this week was chaos, but God was there with me.  He was the same God who had showed me months ago during the good times that He keeps His promises.  And He is still faithful, like it says in Lamentations 3.  Life's a rollercoaster, but when God is there, it's okay.  I can't imagine living my life without Him. 

By the way, I realized this week how thankful I am for my friends and support in my life.  I decided not to blog as much, but be more open with my friends who really care.  It really is sad when my close friends have to read my blog to know what's really going on in my life.  No more.

In Full Assurance of Faith.

Today was not quite as painful as I thought it would be.  I had a great talk with my guidance counselor that really encouraged me.  Then I went to art class where my teacher placed a tiny mustard seed in my hand and asked me if I had faith that size.  After Art, small groups was a chance for me to be vulnerable and honest because I am not perfect and neither is my life, especially right now.  My friend lead small group today and brought up verses about encouragement and fellowship.  I read this one and it stood out to me:

"Therefore, brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He consecrated for us, through the veil, that is, His flesh, and having a High Priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:19-25

I'm not alone at this time.  I have the support of countless friends, mentors, and family.  God will take me wherever He wants me for college and I will glorify Him no matter where that is.  My sister told me tonight that I just need to fully surrender the situation to God and not carry the burden anymore.  Very little is in my control and very much is in His.  He sees the big picture and knows what's best, even though I can't see it right now.  Nothing better can be done than a full surrender to Him at this time.

I wish facing trials was as easy as writing this blog entry.  It's not so.  I think maybe if I stop thinking so much about myself and focus on others more, then maybe I can gain some perspective and realize how small my problems are.  I am not the main character of this story, God is. 

Hallelujah.

Today I cried Hallelujah.

Why did I cry?  Because I'm human.  And today a little piece of my heart was broken. Because today I was told to wait again, for another two months.  Because I know facing tomorrow will be as or more hard than facing today was. Because I feel selfish caring so much about this. 

Why Hallelujah?  Because God's still in control.  He is still God.  He is still faithful.  Because He's strong though I am as weak as ever.  Because of all the prayers and encouragement of my friends.  Because I am not alone.  Because I still have some faith left in me and I know it will grow because of this.  Because I remember God's promises that I kept repeating to myself over and over again yesterday and today.

I will now be able to live out the faith my words profess. It won't be easy; everything that is worth anything never is. But I will sing, cry, or shout hallelujah no matter what.

"Life only demands from you the strength you possess.  Only one feat is possible - not to have run away." ~Dag Hammarskjold