Rollercoaster.

I can't really put words to everything that happened this past week.  It was all so deep.  I feel as if I grew up in the past few days.  Things didn't go the way I planned.  Nearly everyone I knew had raw emotions.  The awful and wonderful coincided and knowing how to feel was difficult for me.  Expressing my emotions is already hard for me, and in all the chaos, I felt as if I had to be the strong one.  The truth is, this week was a rollercoaster and I didn't even know how to pray during most of it.  But Friday night, I finally could.  I cried for my senior class and felt like Jeremiah crying for Judah.  I poured out my honest feelings to God about everything that had happened this past week.  It didn't take all the problems away, but it made me thankful:   Thankful because this week was chaos, but God was there with me.  He was the same God who had showed me months ago during the good times that He keeps His promises.  And He is still faithful, like it says in Lamentations 3.  Life's a rollercoaster, but when God is there, it's okay.  I can't imagine living my life without Him. 

By the way, I realized this week how thankful I am for my friends and support in my life.  I decided not to blog as much, but be more open with my friends who really care.  It really is sad when my close friends have to read my blog to know what's really going on in my life.  No more.

In Full Assurance of Faith.

Today was not quite as painful as I thought it would be.  I had a great talk with my guidance counselor that really encouraged me.  Then I went to art class where my teacher placed a tiny mustard seed in my hand and asked me if I had faith that size.  After Art, small groups was a chance for me to be vulnerable and honest because I am not perfect and neither is my life, especially right now.  My friend lead small group today and brought up verses about encouragement and fellowship.  I read this one and it stood out to me:

"Therefore, brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He consecrated for us, through the veil, that is, His flesh, and having a High Priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:19-25

I'm not alone at this time.  I have the support of countless friends, mentors, and family.  God will take me wherever He wants me for college and I will glorify Him no matter where that is.  My sister told me tonight that I just need to fully surrender the situation to God and not carry the burden anymore.  Very little is in my control and very much is in His.  He sees the big picture and knows what's best, even though I can't see it right now.  Nothing better can be done than a full surrender to Him at this time.

I wish facing trials was as easy as writing this blog entry.  It's not so.  I think maybe if I stop thinking so much about myself and focus on others more, then maybe I can gain some perspective and realize how small my problems are.  I am not the main character of this story, God is. 

Hallelujah.

Today I cried Hallelujah.

Why did I cry?  Because I'm human.  And today a little piece of my heart was broken. Because today I was told to wait again, for another two months.  Because I know facing tomorrow will be as or more hard than facing today was. Because I feel selfish caring so much about this. 

Why Hallelujah?  Because God's still in control.  He is still God.  He is still faithful.  Because He's strong though I am as weak as ever.  Because of all the prayers and encouragement of my friends.  Because I am not alone.  Because I still have some faith left in me and I know it will grow because of this.  Because I remember God's promises that I kept repeating to myself over and over again yesterday and today.

I will now be able to live out the faith my words profess. It won't be easy; everything that is worth anything never is. But I will sing, cry, or shout hallelujah no matter what.

"Life only demands from you the strength you possess.  Only one feat is possible - not to have run away." ~Dag Hammarskjold

"Whatever's in front of me, I'll choose to sing Hallelujah."

1 Peter 5:6-11- "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him because He cares for you.  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking who he may devour.  Resist him, steadfast in the faith knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by Your brotherhood in the world.  but may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.  To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen."

I'm waiting still God.  I love you.

Riding into the Sunset.

Sunsets over highways.
Yesterday, driving home from Golden Acres outreach, it looked like someone had painted streaks of pink and orange across the sky.  Admiring that sunset just gave me one more reasurrence that God is faithful and in control.  I saw God work yesterday in some pretty great ways and that sunset was just the cherry on top.  I have a peace right now that I can't understand.

When it strikes midnight.
Tonight is my sister's sweet 16.  She is beyond excited and so am I for her.  I pray that she will be swept off her feet.  I hope that this event will not allow her to lose perspective, but see how deeply she is loved.  Because she really is.

To be where You are Lord, now and forever.

12:32 AM

I can't sleep.  Read Jeremiah and Be Decisive.  Prayed.  Looked at yearbooks.  Read over the ending of a book.  Listened to my i-pod.  And now I'm blogging... I really can't sleep.

It's probably because I have a million things going on tomorrow... well actually today.  And today, well yesterday, I had a million things going on too. 

Today (well yesterday),  I felt so spiritually exhausted during the school day.  Then I came home and ran two miles and poured out my feelings to God and began to have peace.  I don't seem to become spiritually exhausted from tough events as much the mundane deserts of time.  And I've been in this time of waiting and trusting and wondering for quite a while and had begun to get discouraged.  However, "steadfast" means staying faith-full that God is working everything for good despite those deserts.  And that's what I realized.  God reminded me when I prayed that He is faithful and that I need to be still and know that He is God.  After God showed me this, I talked with my friend on the phone about a college that God had closed the door to for her.  It was so encouraging to hear how she was okay with the outcome and only wants God's best for her.  Though it didn't work out how she originally hoped it would, she grew closer to God through it.  And she will continue to grow closer to Him and follow wherever He leads her to college.  My friend's response  helped me realize the answer that had been torturing me for a long time.  I only have applied to one college so far and have done so on purpose.  Most people would declare that foolish, because I could probably get into quite a few schools if I wanted to.  But I only want to serve God and put full faith in Him.  And I'm exercising that faith by applying to only this one college.  For the longest time, I thought that if I don't get into this one college, I am going to not be able to do what God called me to and I would look like a complete fool.  I could imagine the cruel laughs: "She trusted in God and look what happened to her?  She just ruined her future..."  There are countless verses about God rewarding faith, like Hebrews 11:6 which says "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."  However, if I don't get into this college, I know longer will feel hopelessness and disgrace.  I'll know that applying to that college was more than a waste of time.  The time I spent on the campus showed me true, unfettered devotion to God and His callings.  The essays solidified what God is calling me to.  The waiting increased my faith and taught me true steadfastness.  The prayer taught me to look at the big picture and pray for others first.  And God would work something out, He always does.  ^This is faith.  And this is peace.  And this is hope.  I pray that next fall I will be standing on that lovely campus so far away setting up my dorm room, singing in chapel, and sharing God's love in that city.  But it's not just the end of the world if I'm not.  And it's not even the end anymore, it's the journey.  This crazy adventure God has and will continue to take my on, no matter where I go. 

Tomorrow (well today), is just the next step in this ultimate adventure I am on.  It will not be easy in the least.  Maybe my friends and I can persuade the elementary principal and students to allow us to collect items for Love Bags.  Maybe a new boldness will fall on the prayer group.  Maybe the Pep Rally will give me the chance to see a united High School.  Maybe my sister will play guitar for the kids at golden acres.  Maybe a long-awaited letter will be in the mail.  Maybe today will be full of surprises.  Maybe I should go to bed now so I can wake up today and find out...