Long Distance Friendships.

Is this normal?  I have to admit it is getting a little bit tiring.  As my previous history teacher used to say, "Today we are going to catch-up."  Catch up?  Yes, catch up.

I have all these simply amazing people who dart in and out of my life.  But I wish they could stay.  I get to have these deep conversations and great moments, but then they leave.  And here I am, by myself.  I have all these people distantly surrounding me, but so many don't care long enough to stay.  It's not their fault I know.  I should be thankful to even have these friendships, however occasional they may be.  I guess I just want some consistency.

I miss the days when everyone did not have a thousand facebook friends, when they could give a lot to every friendship.  I miss watching those T.V. shows in the 90's when people's best friends practically lived at their houses. I miss those days when "ketchup" only referred to a side for french fries, not the glue holding friendships together.

I know "catch up" is worth it though.  Difficult, surely, but worth it.

Alis Volat Propriis.... .. . .

(she flies with her own wings)

Up Up and Away.

"But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive." Genesis 50:20

Twenty-Eleven.

20 + 11 = One Incredible Year.

Incredibly wonderful and incredibly difficult.
I'm also incredibly close to my Savior because of  everything.
And I wouldn't trade a single part of 2011 for something better.
God's plan was perfect for it and sure I made some mistakes along the way,
But God worked all things together for good in my life to make it the best year yet.



Finding Him.

I can give you a million and one reasons why I am where I am right now.  Maybe not quite that many, but God truly has made it clear that I am right where He wants me to be, in the midst of His glorious plan.  That reason is enough, encompassing all other reasons. 

I truly see God's sovereignty.  I am rejoicing today because of it.  He came through.  Why did I ever doubt?  Today I gave a Bible to this woman I have been praying for so much in the past month.  I stayed awake later on some nights thinking about how the ideal situation would play out for me to be able to hand her God's word.  Over and over again I would imagine what I was going to say and how she may respond.  I was nervous, but I knew it was God's call to boldness.  I believe in both Heaven and Hell, and I want to see this woman in Heaven.  So today came the moment and you know what, she took my gift- the Bible- and hugged it.  Her eyes filled with tears and she began to cry tears of joy.  She told me that her friend was telling her she would be a good Christian and she smiled.  She hugged me and my friend before we said good-bye.  I was speechless.  I truly did not get to talk so much because I was so amazed.  Three words struck my mind and I could not figure out why until later.  The words were "I love you" and they were my genuine thoughts and prayer to God at that moment.  God heard my prayers and saw my heart.  I even ran out of words to say, but He still let me serve Him.  I love Him so much... I truly am humbled to be able to be used by Him.  I will continue to pray for this woman, for those around me, and for God to glorified in every area of my life.  I will be steadfast, I will be a servant, and I will be fearless.  Why?  Because I love Him.

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
~Jeremiah 29:12-13

Fearless.

You would think evangelism would come more naturally since I believe the Bible truly and completely.  Think about it:  If I believe either heaven or hell are real destinations for every human being, I should be more fearless to share my faith.  What is stopping me?  My pride is one thing.  I don't want people to see me as this crazy religious girl.  The other thing is my fear of misrepresenting Christ to someone.  What if what I say or do completely something that causes someone to completely turn away from accepting Jesus altogether?  Oh the risks.  But they are worth it aren't they?  What is the worst thing that could happen? 

In America, we can share freely and yet we don't.  Meanwhile, Christians are traveling through jungles and harsh conditions to preach Christ to unreached tribes.  They are living in closed countries where it is illegal to proselytize so that they can just lead a few people there to know Jesus.  They are learning foreign languages.  They are leaving their families.  And yet I struggle to evangelize here in America?!

God, you have called me to be fearless.  What can man do to me?  Please help me to stand for you and be unafraid to preach your name if the time is right.  Humble me.  Don't let me put You to shame.  Be glorified as I truly live like I believe the words in the Bible.

God says "I have not called you to a place; I have called you to Myself."

"I don't know what God has for us, but I want to be available to go... I feel like God has me blindfolded and is leading me along a path I don't quite understand. 
But I will follow Him."
~Bonnie Witherall

Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of

Death.

More than any year before, 2011 has made me realize how truly short life is.

In January, my great aunt Vie, whom I had often received cards from, but never knew, came to visit my family.  We went to the zoo, to Olive Garden, to church with her.  And a few months later, just like that, she had a heart attack and passed away.  I did not think when I kissed her good-bye that I would never see her again or never again receive a beautiful card in the mail from her.  But just like that, she's gone.

Last year when I was recovering from being sick with pneumonia, I ran into one of my dad's friends from Bible Study at my church.  He asked me how I was feeling and told me he knew my dad.  I asked him his name because I thought I had never met him before.  When he replied, I realized I did know him; he was my dad's close friend who had been battling lung cancer for the past few years.  I hadn't even recognized him.  He had such faith.  His cancer escalated in the spring when he lost the battle against it.  He wanted to become a pastor of a satallite church but he never got the chance.  He left behind a family with a hole in it.  But now he's home.

I could tell you about the girl in my grade last year who's mom took her own life.  Then there was the girl who graduated two years before me, Saludatorian of her class, and passed away in her sleep while at college.  Now I hear about 5 deaths in the past three days:  One is a newly-wed young man who graduated a few years before me.  Another was a young woman on my friend's college dance team.  And then one of my online classmates lost three close friends (all 16 or younger) in a car accident. 

God, I believe these people are home, but why so soon?  My heart is overwhelmed. Please help me to make the most of each moment I have.  Because it could be over so quickly.

Lost in Translation.

¿Es eso lo que otros ven en mí?

È il mio messaggio perdersi nella traduzione?

Я не живу своїм життям, щоб мати успіх

aut bonum

या अच्छी लड़की

Oswa menm dwe byen-renmen.

Υπάρχει κάποιος που βλέπετε αυτήν την καρδιά του ορυχείου;

我住他。

แม้ว่าฉันจะล้มเหลวก็ยังพยายาม

Shábháil sé dom, anois is mian liom daoine eile a fheiceáil.

But is my life in a foreign language?

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?

| Light |

This past Friday, I stood with 5 other believers, in front of a house in the corner of a community where drug deals take place, where addictions destroy families, where Satan has His grip, and where evil holds firm strongholds.  It was here that we joined together in prayer over this area, for God to truly bring His love and light.

"But made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant..."

~Philippians 2:7

If Jesus, who is God, was willing to lay down His life and be a servant, how much more should I, who am noone of great worth, be willing to live my life as a servant to God and others?

I'm learning a lot this year about humbly surrendering to God.  I guess for a little bit I enjoyed being in the spotlight for following God; I enjoyed others seeing me as someone who is going the right direction and living a "godly" life.  The truth is, I'm beginning not to want that anymore.  I'm building up treasure in heaven and am doing all to the Lord.  Now, I know noone else will notice, so I can do everything whole-heartedly to God.  It suddenly isn't about the "atta girl" but about being a servant, about being nothing, about being unseen... So He can be seen all the more clearly in me.

{All for 1}

"I have one desire now - to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it."
~Elisabeth Elliot in Through the Gates of Splendor

I hope you see deeply.

There's something about starting anew that is strange.  It is completely refreshing and wonderful, but at the same time it's uncontrollable and dangerous.  How so?  Well, after going to a high school with a lot of people who knew me and my heart well, I've realized something: These people who are in this new world of mine, they don't know my heart.  And I wonder what they see in me.  I desire to live a life that represents Christ in the best way possible, but sometimes, I'm afraid I fail Him without even knowing it.  I assume others know my heart like my close friends do.  I think they know my hopes and my prayers.  But perhaps they do not.  First impressions rock people's worlds.  Often, the way someone views a person is through their initial judgements.  So I pray that I will live in such a way such that others around me will somehow see this heart of mine, and Jesus in the center of it.  And as I look at the world, I hope I do not see others through a lens of judgement, but of God's love.

Hating.

Sometimes I wonder if I have become apathetic, with my heart softened by the comfort that surrounds me.  I think that abandoning compassion and quenching the Holy Spirit is one of the worst things a Christian can do.  No, we can't do everything or help fight every wrong, but we can still do our part and hate it.  What do I mean?

"The fear of the LORD is to hate evil..."

Proverbs 8:13

Sometimes when I observe the wrongs of the world, I see a lot of things that aren't my problem.  I feel bad, but I don't hate it.  I tend to be optimistic and try to ignore the terrible things in life.  However, the other day I was convicted by this verse.  I desire to fear the Lord, so now I must be unafraid to hate.  You know, God hates; He hates sin and wickedness.  He hates a lying tongue and feet that rush to do evil.  Our God is a God of unexplainable love, that is why He hates.  What a paradigm! God hates those things that destroy humans's lives and draw them away from Him.  He loves us so much He wants what is best for us, and He hates what takes us away from the beautiful life He has planned.  God, as you teach me how to love others more, teach me to hate what makes them stumble.  Teach me to hate the world's cruelities.  Then I can truly love those around me, and fear you all the more in the process.

What I hate:

I hate that 27 million people around the world are enslaved.

I hate that there are thousands of unreached people groups that haven't heard the gospel message.

I hate that in Africa, child soldiers are drugged and brainwashed to kill.

I hate that addictions are destroying individuals and their families.

I hate that thousands of children are growing up in foster care without a family to call their own.

I hate that the Dalits are persecuted so terribly in India.

I hate that prostitution is so widespread in Thailand.

I hate that AIDS is causing the deaths of millions in Africa and across the world.

I hate that divorce affects so many families in America.

I hate that Americans battle obesity while children in other countries starve to death.

I hate that our luxuries like chocolate and coffee come from the hard work of unpaid slaves in Africa.

I hate that in some places, being a Christian just means following empty religious traditions, not actually having a relationship with God.

I hate that people die around the world because they don't have clean drinking water.

I hate that in so many children don't have a bright future because they can't get an education.

I hate that some people don't even have the Bible in their own language.

I hate that wickedness triumphs so often, but I trust that in the end, God will triumph over that evil.

"Shiir Jeajai"

To be honest, lately I've been distracted.  I don't think my eyes have been set on heavenly things.

It's not like I've been focused on impure things or anything, but I just have lost my focus on God first.  I think about my friends all the time and about work and earning as much money as possible.  I focus on how I can find clothes for school next year and what music I can listen to that I enjoy singing along to.  I want adventure, to travel and to taste different foods and to meet different people.  I desire comfort and happiness.  Art and beauty inspire me.  But, as innocent as these things sound, they are distracting me from God!  And I'm convicted.

The other day one of my classmates posted this verse reminder online:
"Work for the food that stays good always and gives eternal life" -John 6:27b

And then I worked on memorizing Philippians and repeated these words over and over again:
"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."
And
"For our citizenship is in heaven..."
Right now, I don't think I am very heavenly minded.

In the story of the missionaries Frank and Marie Drown, they tell the story of a sick Indian woman who accepts Christ.  Though her death is near, this woman tells everyone how at peace she is because she knows when she dies she will be in heaven.  When that day finally comes, her family and friends gather around her to hear her last words.  She doesn't scream or yell in terror but says peacefully "Shiir jeajai" which in her language means "I have arrived beautifully." 

Lord, renew in me a Spirit that is more eternally minded.  Let my heart's cry not be one of selfish happiness but to "arrive beautifully" before your throne, knowing that I have lived life each day thinking about the hope of being with You.  Nothing on this earth can compare to that.

Let your light shine down on me.

"But the path of the righeous is like the light of dawn,

which shines brighter and brighter until full day."

Proverbs 4:18

Stopping the time, the rush and the waiting, Leave it behind shifting and shaping, Keep it inside it all goes, it all goes by...

I had a fall day like this the other day.  Except it involved Golden Acres, torrential downpours, tacos, the Worlds Series game 7, Hide and seek, Michael Buble Christmas music, and some of my favorite people.

So what's your story?

"My story... uh... well..."

I've had a few people ask me this question recently and I never seem to know how to respond. 

"My story?  You mean my testimony?  Or how I chose the college I did?  Or what my family is like?  Where I live?  Come on, just asking me for my story is way too general..."

Maybe the truth is, I don't have too much of a story.  And if I do, it's not one worth telling.  It's probably boring or cliche.  I could say something like, "Well, I live in the south with my sister, mom and dad.  I go to this college and am majoring in communications and bible.  I am doing online school this year but next year I am going far away for college.  I love God- almost always have, and want to live in a way that people see that.  Yeah."

That's my default story I think. 

But what if my story could tell what's on my heart.  What if my story got deeper.

"I grew up in a beautiful world with a family I always knew loved me and the knowledge of Jesus Christ that gave me love, joy, peace, and freedom.  I always wanted to be used by God, to make known His love to others like He had made known His love to me.  I struggled because it was hard to seperate what my material blessings with God's love.  What about those who don't have anything?  God still loves them, right?  Well, He does.  Jesus's death shows that.  But so many don't know.  They look at the sunrise each morning and up at the stars at night and they are held accountable by this general revelation.  Yet they don't have or know the Bible enough to accept Jesus and discover His love. 

When I was 7 years old I began to write and haven't stopped writing since.  Now I want to write about what God is doing all around the world as more and more people come to know Him.  I love praying for the world, seeing churches sprout up in Mexico, lifting up the spiritual deadness in Greece, meeting with a missionary from Spain, writing to kids whose lives are being transformed by an education and God's love. 

My story is about God's love.  It has made me who I am today.  Who has blessed me? God.  How am I saved?  God's love.  What inspires me to write?  God's love.  Why did I chose what I chose for my college?  So I could better reveal to others God's love.  Why encourage friends?  So they can see God's love.  Why learn the Bible?  To better understand God's love.  Why endure tough times?  To relate to others how God's love is faithful through every trial and change. Why would I endure suffering?  To express God's love.

His love is crazy for me.  It is overwhelming. I'm not just saying this in a charismatic and emotional way.  Yes, sometimes my motives get out of line and my priorities mixed up.  But in the end, this is what my story is about, I hope."

So my friend and reader, what is YOUR story?

"Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. ¹⁹ We love Him^[b] because He first loved us."

~1 John 4:17-19

More than just my favorite things.

 Last weekend was one of the best since school started.  Some of this is probably due to the fact that I was actually on a college campus.  Or maybe it was because the weather had begun to cool and walking around outside was lovely.  Yes it was exciting to go window shopping, get ice cream, walk down a pier at night, explore West Palm Beach, eat apple cider donuts at a fresh market, enjoy coffee, walk on the beach, watch movies, go to an art museum.  I mean, these are a few of my favorite things. 

And they truly were wonderful.  But the main thing that made this past weekend the best was simply seeing good friends.  Talking, laughing, having inside jokes, encouraging...  Though I love having a lot of acquantances to talk to and also find value in my amazing new friends,  there's really nothing like spending time with friends you've known for years and years.  I realized that I truly am completely and utterly blessed.

Valleys of the Everyday.

The other day I woke up in the morning discontented.  I had dreamed I was in college, in Chicago.  The leaves were changing, the weather was perfect, the sky was blue.  There were red balloons everywhere and excitement was all around because it was missions week at college.  There I was, in the middle of a beautiful big city, caught up in the beauty of serving God.  And it seemed perfect.

But it was a dream.  I woke up.

Oswald Chambers reminded me that day, "We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life- those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration.  We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength."  Jesus took a few of His disciples up on the mountain to be inspired, but they couldn't stay there.  Life isn't all mountaintop experiences with Christ, it's real.  Real life is often mundane, harsh, customary, bothersome, and just plain demanding.

The other day my boss at work really gave me an inspiring pep talk.  Even though this year isn't the mountaintop experience I expected it to me, I need to be faithful during my trials.  I need to continue to be a good steward during this time.  He mentioned that often we ask God to strengthen us and use us but then we don't expect it to be difficult.  But it is.  However, this builds character.

I want character.  A year ago I thought I was strong, but that was because I was ignorant of troubles.  A year later, I'm a stronger person because I've faced the trials and overcome. 

I'm still dreaming of Chi-town in the Autumn, with red balloons, missions week, and good friends.  However, I see that the valley times aren't all that unnecessary.  They only make us stronger so we can really relate to others and become more useful to God.  If I'm faithful in valley, the mountaintops will just seem that much more great.

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
  Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

It's been unpredictable.

This past week was completely busy and hectic.  But I loved it, especially the unexpected moments it brought...

Meeting people online is always interesting.

But this week I had the opportunity to video chat with some of my online college classmates.

The verdict: they are some pretty amazing people!

Yes, it was different talking online...

Especially when these people are in different time zones and everything.

But it makes me excited for next year when I will actually go to college with these awesome people.

Seeing God change a school

See you at the pole was Wednesday and since I'm in college, I went my one friend to her public school to pray around her flagpool. 

Even though it ended up only being three of us, it was so great for me.

To be brave and obedient to God, by going into this school and taking a stand for Christ meant so much to me.

Plus, that high school is now going to start a Christian ministry group.

Those prayers we prayed were only the beginning!

Running into people from Class of '11

That night at college ministry, I sat with some good friends for the service.

Then on the way out I ran into some other of my high school classmates.

It made me so joyful to see them still around, seeking to know God and grow closer to Him.

All those prayers I prayed in high school for them are not in vain.

Spending time with a friend like old times

The next day I got the chance to take a break from classes and have a lunch date with my dear friend I've known since I was little.

It was so great to hear how her senior year is going and also hear how she is waiting on God's guidance for college.

She also is continuing to faithfully lead a prayer group at my church.

As we both enjoyed chick-fil-a, I was encouraged by her joyful faith in God during this time in her life.

My new job is growing on me more and more as I get to know the people who work there.

They are all so nice and encouraging!

I was blessed enough to get treated to lunch on Thursday by my manager.

And I am blessed to work hard to earn money for college, clothes, and missions trips.

Overwhelming Encouragement

On Friday I got to eat lunch with my high school guidance counselor.

She truly must be filled with the Holy Spirit to give such godly and perfect advice.

It was so lovely to just update her about my life and take in her encouragement.

Art again

Since I was around, I also ran over to the art room.

It felt so good to be back in that class room and thinking creatively rather than just spending time reading and analyzing.

My art teacher helped me gather some supplies so I can do more artwork on my own. 

Now, Golden Acres was tough this week and I got pretty discouraged.

Thankfully, I talked to some friends who reminded me that we are not serving in vain.

The past few weeks before had been so wonderful.

Yet, sometimes we just don't see the fruit of out labor.

And that reminds me, it's not my labor in that community anyways, it's God's.

I still have faith He will continue to show up there!

October.

The rainstorms stop, the sun seems more orange, the air starts to cool, the breeze picks up, pumpkins surround the grocery store doors, the leaves are changing up North, pumpkin spice lattes are available at Starbucks, it smells like... October.

 

I may be inadequate but :

"He does not build on any natural ability of ours at all.  God does not ask us to do the things that are naturally easy for us- He only asks up to do the things that we are perfectly fit to do through His grace, and that is where the cross we must bear will always come."
~Oswald Chambers

Beautiful, Strong.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
~Elizabeth Kublar Ros

Being a strong person does not mean being comfortable or being ignorant or being naive.  Yet so often I choose to ignore the world's pains, disasters, and fears rather than face them.  This needs to change.

Living where dying is gain...

My values are changing... And so am I.   During this past week I took this VAL test to see what I value most in my life.  And my top two life values were God and Family.  For the longest time, part of me wanted these two things to be most important to me, but they weren't.  I valued achievement too much, autonomy, fellowship, success...  But finally, here I am.  

As my values have shifted, so has my focus.  Suddenly, I am looking at life through a different lense.  I'm reading this book about missionaries Frank and Marie Drown and I love it.  They gave up everything for God.  I am just compelled by that.  I find myself exercising more and thinking "One day maybe I will be on the mission field and will have to be strong to travel and thrive" or I work on memorizing Philippians a lot because "Who knows when I may just be in a closed country and the only Bible I have is the one in my memory?"  I study the Old Testament for school and think to myself "One day I will maybe teach this to adults or children who don't completely understand the truth of the Bible."  I think about all kinds of different things- trying to cook with strange ingredients, attempting to learn a new language, living in a hut, adapting to a different culture.  Does that sound strange?  Well, Frank and Marie were much like me, young Americans with a desire to serve God with everything.  They were willing to go to a foreign jungle to spread Christ's love.  They made Christ their number one value and everything changed.

I've heard people say this before: "I believe in God.  But you know, just to be safe.  If God ends up not being real, what do I have to lose by just believing in him now...?" That's not belief in God, that's belief in fire insurance.  To believe in God is to lose everything if He doesn't exist.  Christ doesn't say to go on living the same way, just reassured.  He says to take up your cross,  say good-bye to your family, become a new creation.  He calls us to come to know Him and never stop drawing close.  He doesn't want us to ever say- "I've reached it! I know God enough now... This is a comfortable place to stop."  No!  This may sound radical, but I don't think those things Jesus commanded in the gospels are safe on any measure. 

I want God to always be my first priority, I want His love to consume me, I want to be obedient to His commands, I want to be true to His calls, I want to live in a way that Philippians 1:21 holds true for my life.

Worship with every breath.

Friday evening found me at an amusement park, riding indoor rollercoasters, battling thunderstorms, sipping coffee, eating ice cream with good friends, meeting celebrities, waiting in long lines, and experiencing some unexpected worship.

I feel close to God a lot now.  The other day I missed my devotion in the morning and it felt so strange until I finally read my Bible and prayed for a while.  I don't know what it is, but even the most ordinary moments of my life I feel close to God.  On Friday at Rock the Universe, I felt close to God simply by being around other believers.  But then I had these couple moments by myself with a crowd of unknown faces watching Switchfoot in concert and I just had such a moment of worship towards God.  There's something about that band's lyrics that are beyond profound to me.  I stood towards the back, surrounded by strangers, listening to them sing Stars, Your Love is a Song, This is Your Life, The Sound, and Gone.  The rollercoaster gliding behind the stage, the lights shining, the stars twinkling above, all seemed to fade out as I listened to these songs and worshipped God.  How? I just kept thinking about how God created those stars shining overhead before He even created man, before I existed.  I thought about how His love is a song, how I just knew His love so deeply and He was becoming my everything.  I meditated on His sovereignty and His goodness. I thought about my life and about who I wanted to be- a servant of God.  It was something that God has been slowly nurturing in me, this desire to serve Him each moment of my life and now I'm finally beginning to embrace it.  Before long, my prayers came to a close when my friends joined me again and we walked off in our still-wet-from-the-rain TOMS out of the park and back to the bus.  We were heading home.  What a wonderful Friday with an unexpected moment of worship, a "captivating moment" with the Lord!

It seems the more I know, the more I realize I don't know.

"For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7

I haven't yet learned the secret...

...to being content.

I feel as if God is sifting me at this time in my life, refining me.  He's been showing me all my misplaced priorities.  I have to admit, I haven't been very content lately... and it's all related to making "usefulness" too high of a priority in my life. 

You see, God doesn't care as much about how "useful" I am... He just wants me to be His.  He wants to come first and then let everything else come out of that.  He wants me to be content with Him alone.

I have dreams of being on the mission field, completely dependent on God, seeing God transfrom lives, relying wholly on Him.  And I'm discouraged because here I am, still at home, not in the world.  Maybe, one of the reasons I want to go to the mission field is because I think I will feel "useful" to God there.  But this motive needs to be uprooted immediately.  God can use me anywhere, not just the mission field.  I don't have to feel "useful" to be used by God.  He doesn't want that to have value over knowing Him anyways.

[The secret to being content is to give everything to Christ, not to be useful, but to be His.]

Baby, it's a new day.

For a while I couldn't get out of feeling this strong nostalgia for the way things used to be... I missed my high school, sitting in class with my friends, doing artwork twice a day, seeing the same familiar faces that are long gone.

But then I finally came to realize, it's a new day.  I can't spend all this time remembering the past when I have so many wonderful things in the present to think about.  Like friends, this year I thought I would be left all alone, but God has given me wonderful friends :)  One day I met my friend for coffee to hear how her summer mission trip went.  Or this past Friday I spent time with a group of friends at Chili's just laughing and making the most of every moment.  Or tonight I went to my friend's beach house and played volleyball with some of her other friends on the beach.  These little things, these people, these moments make me happy.

Then I got a job this past week... What an incredible blessing! Now I can save up for the summer mission trip/internship I hope to take part in. 

I've also able to spend a lot more time with my family, without taking them for granted.  They love me so much!  So I get to be here with them for a year before I leave... I probably will never live in my house again after I go off to college. So why not make the most of the time now?

I can't live yesterday or tomorrow, just today.  So why not rejoice in the best of what today has to offer?  Today is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!

And I'll swim the ocean for you...

You and your wide-eyed dreams...

{I want to watch a sunrise in Africa}

{Walk around NYC}

{Attend a Hillsong United Concert}

{Go ice-skating in Chicago}

{Eat fair-trade chocolate}

{Learn to speak Greek}

{Write a book}

{Smile and make someone's day}

{Watch all the movie classics}

{Drink Chai tea and look at the stars}

{Run 4 miles in a row}

{Parasail}

{Climb a water tower}

{Go to David Platt's church}

{Run through a field of sunflowers}

Yet what I desire more than these dreams is God's will.

"But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ."

Philippians 3:7

Antinomy.

This past week I started my online college courses and I have to say, I am really enjoying them.  Through the online discussion boards, I've been able to meet a lot of fellow students in the program from all over the country... Their passions for God and similar ministry goals encourage me so much! 

I've also begun my studies of Old Testament Survey and the Church and its Doctrines.  I feel like I'm already learning so much but ironically, the more I study, the more I realize all that I don't know or understand.  There's a word in my Theology book called "antinomy."  It is defined as "something that is contrary to law or contrary to human understanding.  An antinomy, of course, is such only in the mind of man; with God there is no antinomy" in The Moody Handbook of Theology by Paul Enns.  Basically, there are some things we just won't understand.  This has bothered me to some extent, but the more I think about it, I'm thankful for the antinomy.  It shows how God's understanding is bigger than mine.  He is God, and I am not.  His knowledge supercedes what I can humanly understand.  As it says in Isaiah 55:9:

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts."

So yes, I'm actually enjoying my online classes.  And I'm learning a lot too.  I'm even learning by not understanding.  If that is even possible :)

"Since it is God we are speaking of, you do not understand it.  If you could understand it, it would not be God." ~St. Augustine

 

?'s.

How does one reconcile the balance between

...being in the world, but not of the world?

...being generous but still being a good steward with your money?

...being a true friend, but not being a pushover?

...the beautiful and the practical?

...listening to others' wise counsel and listening to God's calling?

...rejoicing in today and striving for tomorrow?

...being strong and being vulnerable?

The Sky is Falling.

Why do sisters die in their sleep?

And why do mothers have to go to terrible hospitals for a week?

Why do grandfathers get bone cancer?

And brothers hit their heads and not remember a thing?

{Sometimes life really feels like the sky is falling}

{Yet You don't change, even when our circumstances do}

Only one, but...

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."

~Helen Keller

So long, farewell, auf weidersehen, goodbye.

Good-bye Class of 2011.

I trust God will do amazing things in your lives, even if I can't be nearby.

All the best to you in North Carolina, Illinois, Alabama, D.C., Tennessee and across the country and world. :)

I don't know why I'm still waiting... or do I?

But I am and it's the right thing.

I'm walking in obedience to God and that's what is most important. 
"Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him,

And He shall bring it to pass.

He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday.

Rest in the Lord,

and Wait patiently for Him."

Psalms 37:4-37a

Nearly every day I pray in Operation World, for countries that need Christ's love.

Then I go to countless locations around the world with my family.

But I don't get to go on missions trips.

2x. That's all.

And those two times in Bahamas and Mexico were wonderful.

Everything that God taught me was brought to life.

But I prayed so many times for God to send me out again, to the field.

And so far He's said "no" countless times.

No to Ethiopia, No to Bahamas again, No to Mexico again, No to Uganda.

I know why God did what He did.

Instead of Ethiopia, He wanted me to bond with my class on our 10th grade retreat.

And when the Bahamas trip was cancelled, I began praying for the 6 months leading up to Mexico.

I didn't get to go to Mexico again, but I did get to speak at their dinner fundraiser.

And if I had gone to Uganda I wouldn't have been able to lead a group at camp or help out at Liberty or be with my family when I needed to be.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,

To those who are the called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

Clearly God has always had me in the right place at the right time.

He sees the big picture.

Looking forward, I can trust that God will put me in the right place,

whether that be right where I am or one day in Uganda or Greece or wherever He may call me.

I can't keep letting Satan have a foothold and whisper:

"You are not adequate enough to ever go on the mission field, that is why God won't open the doors."

"You must have mistaken God's calling to surrender all, others have callings but can't you see by where you are: you. don't. matter."

"You will be waiting your whole life"

"Full surrender to God will not result in joy but pain"

"God is never going to give you an answer"

"How can God use you when you are sitting around at home studying?  You have all this knowledge but it's useless"

"Waiting on God is a waste of time"
Lies. The truth is, that to God:
"Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice..."
1 Samuel 15:22
I actually do know why I'm still waiting.
God has asked me to wait, so I wait.
I wait, I hope, I trust, I obey.
One day, He will ask me to go somewhere for Him.
And I will go.
"Show me Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day."
Psalms 25:4-5