My heart is

full... 

God is taking me to Africa.
Flight tickets bought, bags just about packed, countless prayers prayed, hugs given, phone calls made, letters sent, surprises prepared, conferences attended...
2 days ago I got this e-mail and talked to my dad on the phone.  There was suddenly a possibility the trip was off.  My heart was stricken.  Lies haunted me- God does not want to use me.  I am never going to be good enough.  Lies multiplied.
Then I just had a peace.  I knew the truth.  NO MATTER IF I WAS ABLE TO TAKE THE TRIP OR NOT, GOD LOVED ME.  If He was going to close that door, it was only because He was going to open another one.  Still, I felt such a strong calling to go.  Why would God call me and prepare me and put the pieces completely in place to abandon me?  My God is faithful.  He has steadfast love.  He will not leave me.  And He didn't.
I started reading Psalm 91 and dwelled on God's promises.  And you know what? He kept His promise!  
Tomorrow God is going to begin to stretch my faith in a completely new way as I embark on a trip to Africa.  I will be sure to keep you updated on the adventure as well as I can.   All I know is that these words cannot do justice to the overwhelming joy in my heart.  God has not abandoned me or found me useless.  He wants me to shine for Him on another continent.   


As I look back on my Freshman year of college, God never once left my side!  He was there during the good, bad, mundane, and joyous.  He was there and it was His will.  My heart is full. 

Swans and Magnifying Glasses.

My grandpa is home now; he passed away on Friday.

As I thought about all he meant to me, I read parts of the book he wrote years ago.

He fought in World War 2, and death was always on his mind in those days.

He thought about dying at 24,

Who knew God would grant him 93 full years of life?

Make me more eternally minded Lord,

as I remember my grandpa and his life.

Don't let me forget those people in my life who taught me lessons,

those family members who loved me.

I don't want to forget.

To the audience of {1}

Friday I had a little meltdown.  Okay, it wasn't that little.  I kind of may have lost my cool because I found people were using my kindness to take advantage of me.  It kind of hurt.  However, a huge part of it was rooted in this tiresome desire in me to always please everyone.  I have spent a large portion of my life living to make other people happy or like me.  Then when I can't seem to make them happy or please them no matter if I am trying hard to please them, it's hard.
  
What I realized through a good talk with a friend of mine later that evening is that I can't keep living for others to see.  I need to live to the Lord- unto that audience of one.  Then I also need to let God do the work AND get the credit.  He deserves it, not me.  Instead of focusing so much on what others see in me and what others need to do themselves, I will focus on God.  He loves me all the time.  He has made me "fearfully and wonderfully," a workmanship he wants to use.  If I start looking to God to define me, hopefully I will not keep swinging between this intolerable self-pride and awful self-pity.  Though I am a sinful human being, God has chosen to use me.   How blessed I am to be able to partner with Him in service and live for His glory all the days of my life.


Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and race, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel,  for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." ~2 Timothy 1:8-12~

:'(

Hands down,

for some reason,

 I cry more about the

wonderful

times in my life than the

terrible

 times.



Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of

Death.

More than any year before, 2011 has made me realize how truly short life is.

In January, my great aunt Vie, whom I had often received cards from, but never knew, came to visit my family.  We went to the zoo, to Olive Garden, to church with her.  And a few months later, just like that, she had a heart attack and passed away.  I did not think when I kissed her good-bye that I would never see her again or never again receive a beautiful card in the mail from her.  But just like that, she's gone.

Last year when I was recovering from being sick with pneumonia, I ran into one of my dad's friends from Bible Study at my church.  He asked me how I was feeling and told me he knew my dad.  I asked him his name because I thought I had never met him before.  When he replied, I realized I did know him; he was my dad's close friend who had been battling lung cancer for the past few years.  I hadn't even recognized him.  He had such faith.  His cancer escalated in the spring when he lost the battle against it.  He wanted to become a pastor of a satallite church but he never got the chance.  He left behind a family with a hole in it.  But now he's home.

I could tell you about the girl in my grade last year who's mom took her own life.  Then there was the girl who graduated two years before me, Saludatorian of her class, and passed away in her sleep while at college.  Now I hear about 5 deaths in the past three days:  One is a newly-wed young man who graduated a few years before me.  Another was a young woman on my friend's college dance team.  And then one of my online classmates lost three close friends (all 16 or younger) in a car accident. 

God, I believe these people are home, but why so soon?  My heart is overwhelmed. Please help me to make the most of each moment I have.  Because it could be over so quickly.

Hating.

Sometimes I wonder if I have become apathetic, with my heart softened by the comfort that surrounds me.  I think that abandoning compassion and quenching the Holy Spirit is one of the worst things a Christian can do.  No, we can't do everything or help fight every wrong, but we can still do our part and hate it.  What do I mean?

"The fear of the LORD is to hate evil..."

Proverbs 8:13

Sometimes when I observe the wrongs of the world, I see a lot of things that aren't my problem.  I feel bad, but I don't hate it.  I tend to be optimistic and try to ignore the terrible things in life.  However, the other day I was convicted by this verse.  I desire to fear the Lord, so now I must be unafraid to hate.  You know, God hates; He hates sin and wickedness.  He hates a lying tongue and feet that rush to do evil.  Our God is a God of unexplainable love, that is why He hates.  What a paradigm! God hates those things that destroy humans's lives and draw them away from Him.  He loves us so much He wants what is best for us, and He hates what takes us away from the beautiful life He has planned.  God, as you teach me how to love others more, teach me to hate what makes them stumble.  Teach me to hate the world's cruelities.  Then I can truly love those around me, and fear you all the more in the process.

What I hate:

I hate that 27 million people around the world are enslaved.

I hate that there are thousands of unreached people groups that haven't heard the gospel message.

I hate that in Africa, child soldiers are drugged and brainwashed to kill.

I hate that addictions are destroying individuals and their families.

I hate that thousands of children are growing up in foster care without a family to call their own.

I hate that the Dalits are persecuted so terribly in India.

I hate that prostitution is so widespread in Thailand.

I hate that AIDS is causing the deaths of millions in Africa and across the world.

I hate that divorce affects so many families in America.

I hate that Americans battle obesity while children in other countries starve to death.

I hate that our luxuries like chocolate and coffee come from the hard work of unpaid slaves in Africa.

I hate that in some places, being a Christian just means following empty religious traditions, not actually having a relationship with God.

I hate that people die around the world because they don't have clean drinking water.

I hate that in so many children don't have a bright future because they can't get an education.

I hate that some people don't even have the Bible in their own language.

I hate that wickedness triumphs so often, but I trust that in the end, God will triumph over that evil.

Beautiful, Strong.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
~Elizabeth Kublar Ros

Being a strong person does not mean being comfortable or being ignorant or being naive.  Yet so often I choose to ignore the world's pains, disasters, and fears rather than face them.  This needs to change.

The Sky is Falling.

Why do sisters die in their sleep?

And why do mothers have to go to terrible hospitals for a week?

Why do grandfathers get bone cancer?

And brothers hit their heads and not remember a thing?

{Sometimes life really feels like the sky is falling}

{Yet You don't change, even when our circumstances do}

I'll come back, when you call me; no need to say goodbye.

In the days immediately following my graduation, I began to notice this emptiness I felt.  Between the graduation parties while driving my mom's car it would hit me: I'm graduated, my grade is never going to be all together again, everyone is going on to new and greater things, and I'm still stuck at home for a year.  My eyes would tear up a little but I had to be strong.  God put my class on my heart for so long and I know I won't ever stop praying for them.  But, God is calling me to new and greater things as well, even if I am staying at home.

The work God began at my high school has had closure.  Now I need to embrace this new time of my life, fearlessly.  This next year, I can really make God my everything- not friends, not achievement, not even missions, but God.  I realized that the emptiness I felt inside was because I had my priorities in the wrong place.  I had put friends and memories first.  I had put my identity and success before God.

When you make God your everything, you have nothing left to lose.  Once God is your all, no one can ever take Him away from you.  Yes, this means dying to self, but it also means truly living.  I want to learn this in the months to come. I think this year to come is definitely a good time to do just that.

Control.

Yesterday I turn on my computer as usual to log onto my e-mail.  I'm about to enter in my username when words catch my eye: Earthquake, Japan, Tsunami, Destruction, Missing.  I click on the news link and my heart breaks.  I feel so powerless, so helpless. 

There are so many things in this world that are out of my control.  And I can be such a control freak.  I ask God: Why did this happen? But He answers that He is holding everything in His hand, even when it seems like it all is falling apart. 

God, I surrender control to You.  There are so many things bigger than me, but not bigger than you.  Help me not to worry.  Help me not to fear.  Strengthen those who are facing their worst nightmares this week.  Please be with those in Japan and Hawaii.  God, I believe you are loving, but this world is quite fallen.  Don't let me doubt Your goodness.  Be a strong tower and a mighty fortress to the people in Japan.  Continue to send out missionaries to make your love and grace known all around the world.  Bring hope. Be in control.   Make beautiful things out of dust.

Rollercoaster.

I can't really put words to everything that happened this past week.  It was all so deep.  I feel as if I grew up in the past few days.  Things didn't go the way I planned.  Nearly everyone I knew had raw emotions.  The awful and wonderful coincided and knowing how to feel was difficult for me.  Expressing my emotions is already hard for me, and in all the chaos, I felt as if I had to be the strong one.  The truth is, this week was a rollercoaster and I didn't even know how to pray during most of it.  But Friday night, I finally could.  I cried for my senior class and felt like Jeremiah crying for Judah.  I poured out my honest feelings to God about everything that had happened this past week.  It didn't take all the problems away, but it made me thankful:   Thankful because this week was chaos, but God was there with me.  He was the same God who had showed me months ago during the good times that He keeps His promises.  And He is still faithful, like it says in Lamentations 3.  Life's a rollercoaster, but when God is there, it's okay.  I can't imagine living my life without Him. 

By the way, I realized this week how thankful I am for my friends and support in my life.  I decided not to blog as much, but be more open with my friends who really care.  It really is sad when my close friends have to read my blog to know what's really going on in my life.  No more.

Hallelujah.

Today I cried Hallelujah.

Why did I cry?  Because I'm human.  And today a little piece of my heart was broken. Because today I was told to wait again, for another two months.  Because I know facing tomorrow will be as or more hard than facing today was. Because I feel selfish caring so much about this. 

Why Hallelujah?  Because God's still in control.  He is still God.  He is still faithful.  Because He's strong though I am as weak as ever.  Because of all the prayers and encouragement of my friends.  Because I am not alone.  Because I still have some faith left in me and I know it will grow because of this.  Because I remember God's promises that I kept repeating to myself over and over again yesterday and today.

I will now be able to live out the faith my words profess. It won't be easy; everything that is worth anything never is. But I will sing, cry, or shout hallelujah no matter what.

"Life only demands from you the strength you possess.  Only one feat is possible - not to have run away." ~Dag Hammarskjold

Hello Hurricane.

I knew this week would be tough, just not to this extent.
Deadlines. Mid-terms. Projects.  And I thought I had it all figured out.
All it takes is a minute and I lose 18 pages of work, almost all of my apologetics project.

That was not a good way to start this week.  I was so upset, and I just lost it.  Everything makes so much sense when it's going good, as planned.  It's easy to stand steadfast when there's no storm.  Then the hurricane hits and takes away everything you had worked so hard for. I did to me today.

But it made me realize something.  After I had grown angry and displaced it on my father and sister, I felt even more horrible.  Thoughts crowded my mind like "Melissa, you are an idiot for not saving that project somewhere else.  Melissa, you lost your temper and got angry, you aren't good enough.  Melissa, you don't deserve grace from your teacher about this, you blew it.  Melissa, you see, you don't deserve to call yourself a child of God, you don't deserve to aspire to serve Him, you don't deserve to have the dreams you have and you especially don't deserve to go to the college you applied to and hope to get into."

True.  I don't deserve much.  However, the tone above is one of lies.  The truth is: "Melissa, you learned a lesson now, pick back up the computer and start over.  Melissa, ask for grace, you are saved by it.  Melissa, you are God's child not because you deserve it, but because you have faith and you have received grace.  Melissa, not one of the heroes of the Bible (besides Jesus), from Abraham to Moses to Elijah to Jeremiah to David, was perfect.  God acomplished His will through quite imperfect people.  Melissa, trust that God has a plan for you that is for good, to give you a future and a hope.  Melissa, if God wants you to go to that college, it's not because you deserve it.  It is because it is His plan.  Keep following and seeking Him and He will take you right where He wants you."

Hello Hurricane, You're not enough.  Hello Hurricane, You can't silence my love.

I will get through this crazy week.  I will stand steadfast in God.  I will be rooted despite the hurricane.  And I won't believe the lies but the truth.  And that truth will set me free. :)