Be thou my vision.

A hymn worth singing.

A cry worth praying.

A mission worth living.

A thought worth remembering all of my days.

My heart is

full... 

God is taking me to Africa.
Flight tickets bought, bags just about packed, countless prayers prayed, hugs given, phone calls made, letters sent, surprises prepared, conferences attended...
2 days ago I got this e-mail and talked to my dad on the phone.  There was suddenly a possibility the trip was off.  My heart was stricken.  Lies haunted me- God does not want to use me.  I am never going to be good enough.  Lies multiplied.
Then I just had a peace.  I knew the truth.  NO MATTER IF I WAS ABLE TO TAKE THE TRIP OR NOT, GOD LOVED ME.  If He was going to close that door, it was only because He was going to open another one.  Still, I felt such a strong calling to go.  Why would God call me and prepare me and put the pieces completely in place to abandon me?  My God is faithful.  He has steadfast love.  He will not leave me.  And He didn't.
I started reading Psalm 91 and dwelled on God's promises.  And you know what? He kept His promise!  
Tomorrow God is going to begin to stretch my faith in a completely new way as I embark on a trip to Africa.  I will be sure to keep you updated on the adventure as well as I can.   All I know is that these words cannot do justice to the overwhelming joy in my heart.  God has not abandoned me or found me useless.  He wants me to shine for Him on another continent.   


As I look back on my Freshman year of college, God never once left my side!  He was there during the good, bad, mundane, and joyous.  He was there and it was His will.  My heart is full. 

We all may be running away.

Today I had a sort-of epiphany.  It is only my second day in a row reading the book of Jonah, but God has already pinpointed my heart with how I need to change.  This is my prayer in response.

"God, so many of us believers have seen extraordinary love and grace and mercy from You.  Yet we have trouble sharing it!  We, like Jonah, want to hoard the gospel message because maybe some people just don't deserve God's grace.  No, we may never say this, but we act in this way. 

But this is a lie.  God's love is for EVERYONE. All people need to know that Jesus loves them enough He died for them.  We Christians complain about these 'plants'- we're running low on money, we disagree of this issue, we are bored of the Bible, we don't like our church, etc.  We consume our time with these selfish cries.  Yet billions of people are headed toward Hell if we don't say anything.  Billions of people are destined toward destruction and maybe they just need someone to tell them.

God, take away this heart of mine which sometimes reflects that of Jonah.  Help me to tell the 'perishing' about you at every opportunity I get.  Thank you for choosing to use me.  Please strengthen me not to run away."

God says "I have not called you to a place; I have called you to Myself."

"I don't know what God has for us, but I want to be available to go... I feel like God has me blindfolded and is leading me along a path I don't quite understand. 
But I will follow Him."
~Bonnie Witherall

"But made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant..."

~Philippians 2:7

If Jesus, who is God, was willing to lay down His life and be a servant, how much more should I, who am noone of great worth, be willing to live my life as a servant to God and others?

I'm learning a lot this year about humbly surrendering to God.  I guess for a little bit I enjoyed being in the spotlight for following God; I enjoyed others seeing me as someone who is going the right direction and living a "godly" life.  The truth is, I'm beginning not to want that anymore.  I'm building up treasure in heaven and am doing all to the Lord.  Now, I know noone else will notice, so I can do everything whole-heartedly to God.  It suddenly isn't about the "atta girl" but about being a servant, about being nothing, about being unseen... So He can be seen all the more clearly in me.

{All for 1}

"I have one desire now - to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it."
~Elisabeth Elliot in Through the Gates of Splendor

I may be inadequate but :

"He does not build on any natural ability of ours at all.  God does not ask us to do the things that are naturally easy for us- He only asks up to do the things that we are perfectly fit to do through His grace, and that is where the cross we must bear will always come."
~Oswald Chambers

Living where dying is gain...

My values are changing... And so am I.   During this past week I took this VAL test to see what I value most in my life.  And my top two life values were God and Family.  For the longest time, part of me wanted these two things to be most important to me, but they weren't.  I valued achievement too much, autonomy, fellowship, success...  But finally, here I am.  

As my values have shifted, so has my focus.  Suddenly, I am looking at life through a different lense.  I'm reading this book about missionaries Frank and Marie Drown and I love it.  They gave up everything for God.  I am just compelled by that.  I find myself exercising more and thinking "One day maybe I will be on the mission field and will have to be strong to travel and thrive" or I work on memorizing Philippians a lot because "Who knows when I may just be in a closed country and the only Bible I have is the one in my memory?"  I study the Old Testament for school and think to myself "One day I will maybe teach this to adults or children who don't completely understand the truth of the Bible."  I think about all kinds of different things- trying to cook with strange ingredients, attempting to learn a new language, living in a hut, adapting to a different culture.  Does that sound strange?  Well, Frank and Marie were much like me, young Americans with a desire to serve God with everything.  They were willing to go to a foreign jungle to spread Christ's love.  They made Christ their number one value and everything changed.

I've heard people say this before: "I believe in God.  But you know, just to be safe.  If God ends up not being real, what do I have to lose by just believing in him now...?" That's not belief in God, that's belief in fire insurance.  To believe in God is to lose everything if He doesn't exist.  Christ doesn't say to go on living the same way, just reassured.  He says to take up your cross,  say good-bye to your family, become a new creation.  He calls us to come to know Him and never stop drawing close.  He doesn't want us to ever say- "I've reached it! I know God enough now... This is a comfortable place to stop."  No!  This may sound radical, but I don't think those things Jesus commanded in the gospels are safe on any measure. 

I want God to always be my first priority, I want His love to consume me, I want to be obedient to His commands, I want to be true to His calls, I want to live in a way that Philippians 1:21 holds true for my life.

{For Such A Time As This}

If you would have told me a year ago that I would be doing my first year of college at home... well, I wouldn't have believed you.  Truth be told, staying home for a year wasn't ever really an option I desired or was even willing to settle for.   But here I am, with a year ahead of me before I head up North.  Some people have told me this next year is going to be awful, and for a while, I believed it too.  I would pray about it and tell God, "I know your plan is for good, but I don't get it right now.  I still love you God, but I'm not going to tell you thank-you for this... This shouldn't have happened." I had accepted His plan, but I wasn't going to show joy about it.  

While being a counselor at student life camp, I sat in a service with my group one evening and God really caught my attention.  I realized that God truly has called me into ministry and I am truly going to college for that.  I saw that even though I was a little unhappy about the first year, I should be thankful.  I can go to college.  I am going to my favorite college too, I just have to wait a little longer.  I am going to get an education there to pursue serving God, whether it's at Compassion International (an organization I'm becoming pretty interested in) or on the mission field.  Even though this all wasn't my plan A, it clearly was God's.  He will reward my patience and obedience.  

So now that I'm home for year, I decided to really get more deeply involved in the outreaches I currently do.  For example, now God has really put Golden Acres on my heart.  I want to see more kids there come to know God's plan for their lives.  I've been working with a group of people on the GA Bible study curriculum and now I'm writing a memoirs/book with my friend, journaling the next year of happenings in the community.  As for my involvement at church, I've been interning in the high school ministry.  I've been able to work on this missions/outreach blog (liquidoutreachmissions.wordpress.com/) and then also have been making preparations for this mission trip to Haiti (that my lovely sister is going on).  On Wednesday, on of the youth leaders asked me if I would lead my own small group on Wednesday nights... Exciting stuff! And next week I leave to go help out on a college campus with Student Life camp. I'm learning a lot already.

I told myself that my theme for this summer would be "I'm Ready."  Truly, I haven't had a chance to catch my breath to even think about it too much.  I really am ready for whatever God's put in my path, at least, I have been so far.  I'm learning more and more each moment.

"Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.” ~Frederick Buechner

The End.

...of final exams.
...of Senior year.
...of High School.
...of waiting for Prom.
...of the world?

6 days until graduation and time has flown by.  We've all been waiting anxiously for it, but I know I'm going to cry a week from now.  If I make it that far...

So someone predicted Judgement day to be today at 6PM.  Interesting stuff.  I believe Matthew 24:6, "but of that day and hour NO ONE KNOWS, not even the angels in heaven, but my Father only."  However, all the talk of the end of the world made me think.  Am I really living my life like Jesus could come back any moment?  Am I "redeeming the time" and making the most of every opportunity I have to share about Christ?  I can honestly say, I don't think I am.  I fail so often.  I care too much what others think of me.  Oh, and I miss opportunities because I can't step up in boldness. 

God, I'm ready to live knowing that you are returning sometime soon.  I'm ready to begin the new stage of my life- college.  I'm ready to not get my identity from achievement but from following You.  I'm ready to grow, to be challenged even further.  Lord, :) I'm ready to celebrate the end of this season of my life and begin the new one you have for me.

Breathless Expectation.

"Gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness but it should be an expression of breathless expectation.”

~Oswald Chambers

As high school comes to an end in three weeks, a new time in my life is coming.  What will happen? So little is set in stone right now.  A year ago, I would have worried and panicked. However, now I am embracing the opportunities I have. I could:

*Go to Uganda for a couple months for an internship

*Or maybe go with my sister to Haiti for a week

*Or help to the write the bible study curriculum for the kids at GA

*Or do make more mixed media pieces and collections

*Or learn to speak more spanish

*Or study art history

*Or go to college church with some of friends staying local for college

*Or buy a car

*Or learn to cook

*Or get an internship at my church or another non-profit

*Or work at Starbucks

*Or go back to Mexico with my sister's grade

*Or maybe help plan a mission trip

*Or visit my relatives in Missouri and help my grandma

*Or go on a mission trip with Operation Mobilization

What Lord? Where Lord? I'm waiting here in breathless expectation.

Face like a Flint.

Isaiah 50:7-
“ For the Lord GOD will help Me;
      Therefore I will not be disgraced;
      Therefore I have set My face like a flint,
      And I know that I will not be ashamed."

Why am I so quick to lose courage?  When God gives me guidance, why can't I seem to stand up for it?  Deep down, I know I have this confidence and trust in Christ.  Yet, I am so quick to be shaken, to waver.

Give me the strength, to trust what You say.  
That you're good, and your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give you my life...
I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but my God you never will. 

Answered prayers in His way, not mine.

"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen."
~1 Peter 5:10-11

Goodness, these last few months have been a spiritual desert.  Yet, I knew God was going to bring me through it, somehow, some way.  And He did.

It was not how I expected.  It was not the exact thing I prayed for.  However, God knows what's best for me better than I know myself.  I've decided that my focus for this coming summer will be "I'm Ready," based off April 18th in Oswald Chambers.  Exodus 3:4 says "God called to him... and he said 'Here I am.'" Often I delay God's calling on my life.  I postpone his divine appointments.  But I'm ready to to be ready no matter when or what He calls me too.  I'm ready to grow even closer to God, worship Him more fully, and serve Him in courage.  Next year will hopefully not let me only learn more about God and service, but apply it in a very new way.  No matter what happens, I'm ready! :)

Meanwhile, my senior year is coming to an end.  As the curtains close, I want to take any chance I can to encourage my classmates.  By the grace of God, I get to speak at our graduation.  It's such a blessing since I've had class of 2011 on my heart for so long, and now I get to speak in front of all of them.  It will be difficult, no doubt, but I completely see God's hand on this.

So with all my heart and all my soul
With all I am, Lord, I will follow You
You took the cross, You took my shame
Restored my life, Lord I will follow You

~Search My Heart by Hillsong United