Afraid? Of what?

For my online Christian Missions class, I had to read a book entitled "A Martyr's Grace."  It covered the 21 men and women who became martyrs after attending Moody.  The book brought tears flowing from my eyes as I read about the people who died in horrific ways because they stood for their faith until the end.  What struck me as that each person was so similar to people I know today.  These martyrs were average people who had beautiful faith.  They weren't superhuman.  They were dedicated, funny, real.  They had a insatiable hunger and love for God.  


Reading their stories challenged me to have a deeper love for God.  I had been so caught up in following God that it was becoming a bit legalistic and tiring.  However, this book changed my focus back to God- and his love for me.  The other day my boss was encouraging me that I am always giving but I have trouble receiving back.  I think I actually have done this with God!  I've worked so hard to serve and love him to earn his love after.  The reality is, God loved me FIRST.  When I savor his love, it makes it so much easier to love Him back.  And this new-found love is inspiring a greater faith and fearlessness in me.


So what makes someone a saint or a martyr?  What do these believers have that makes their faith so great?  In The Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer mentions what inspires this faith: "I venture to suggest that the one vital quality which they had in common was spiritual receptivity.  Something in them was open to heaven, something which urged them Godward.  Without attempting anything like a profound analysis, I shall say simply that they had spiritual awareness and that they went on to cultivate it until it became the biggest thing in their lives.  They differed from the average person in that when they felt the inward longing, they did something about it.  They acquired a lifelong habit of spiritual response."  These people had an eternal perspective.  They lived like they truly  believed what Paul said in Romans 8:18, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”  They looked at all they had to face and asked, "Afraid?  Of what?"

The Aim of our Charge.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with thoughts about how completely un-useful I am to God.  I was looking around at everyone else and thinking about how I fall so short of being qualified to serve God.   My unending to do list and ministry responsibilities did not help.  Ministry was feeling like a chore and my heart was overwhelmed.

Yet this morning I work up, at 7 since I’ve been trying to get up early, to the sound of faint raindrops.  I grabbed my Bible and journal and sat on my porch outside and I felt so calm.  Soft raindrops were falling, clouds were overhead, yet the sun was rising and it was 70 perfect degrees out. 

As I prayed all the lies I had believed yesterday began to vanish.  1 Timothy 1:5 revealed to me this truth: “The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and sincere faith.”

It’s just that simple.  I need to show God’s love- from my heart, sincerely.  I don’t have to be overwhelmed in my inadequacy of not knowing five languages or being a genius at apologetics.  In time, I will learn these things.  In the meantime, I need to focus on what I do have to offer- love. 

I went to Bible school with a heart excited to love people and tell them about Jesus and discovered here how much knowledge I lack and how inadequate I am.  But I can’t let that consume me.  I cannot get distracted when so many people are perishing without hope.  I may not understand everything, but I understand enough to tell them about Jesus and show them His love.  And I will do this, whether in at work or in a nearby community or in Africa.  This is the aim of my charge.

God, teach me how to love.

"To love a person means 

to see them as God intended them to be."

~Fyodor Doestoevsky

Love is... patient

I really don't think it's a coincidence that this is the first description of love in 1 Corinthians 13.  Yet I think Christians often skim over it without contemplating the meaning.  It's easy to do this in today's world.  It feels like love should be almost instant- like everything else in America, like that 2 hour romance movie.  But beautiful love is not like that.

Patience means waiting.  Patience means enduring.  Patience means sacrifice and sometimes pain. Patience in different Bible translations means "suffering long."  According to those movies and the Bachelor, love doesn't involve much suffering.   Oh but it does.

Beautiful love holds out when it wants to let go.  Beautiful love doesn't settle but waits for the best.  Beautiful love takes time to develop and is not only a feeling.  Beautiful love will wait days, weeks, months and still love.  Beautiful love is not forced but is developed and deepened over time. This beautiful love is patient.

So God is the only true embodiment of "beautiful love."  But as I strive to be like Him each day, I strive to show beautiful love in my life too.  The guy I marry one day will not be perfect at showing God's beautiful love, but hopefully he will understand that patience we are called to in love and how God is our ultimate example of this.  That will be truly beautiful.

Finding Him.

I can give you a million and one reasons why I am where I am right now.  Maybe not quite that many, but God truly has made it clear that I am right where He wants me to be, in the midst of His glorious plan.  That reason is enough, encompassing all other reasons. 

I truly see God's sovereignty.  I am rejoicing today because of it.  He came through.  Why did I ever doubt?  Today I gave a Bible to this woman I have been praying for so much in the past month.  I stayed awake later on some nights thinking about how the ideal situation would play out for me to be able to hand her God's word.  Over and over again I would imagine what I was going to say and how she may respond.  I was nervous, but I knew it was God's call to boldness.  I believe in both Heaven and Hell, and I want to see this woman in Heaven.  So today came the moment and you know what, she took my gift- the Bible- and hugged it.  Her eyes filled with tears and she began to cry tears of joy.  She told me that her friend was telling her she would be a good Christian and she smiled.  She hugged me and my friend before we said good-bye.  I was speechless.  I truly did not get to talk so much because I was so amazed.  Three words struck my mind and I could not figure out why until later.  The words were "I love you" and they were my genuine thoughts and prayer to God at that moment.  God heard my prayers and saw my heart.  I even ran out of words to say, but He still let me serve Him.  I love Him so much... I truly am humbled to be able to be used by Him.  I will continue to pray for this woman, for those around me, and for God to glorified in every area of my life.  I will be steadfast, I will be a servant, and I will be fearless.  Why?  Because I love Him.

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
~Jeremiah 29:12-13

Hating.

Sometimes I wonder if I have become apathetic, with my heart softened by the comfort that surrounds me.  I think that abandoning compassion and quenching the Holy Spirit is one of the worst things a Christian can do.  No, we can't do everything or help fight every wrong, but we can still do our part and hate it.  What do I mean?

"The fear of the LORD is to hate evil..."

Proverbs 8:13

Sometimes when I observe the wrongs of the world, I see a lot of things that aren't my problem.  I feel bad, but I don't hate it.  I tend to be optimistic and try to ignore the terrible things in life.  However, the other day I was convicted by this verse.  I desire to fear the Lord, so now I must be unafraid to hate.  You know, God hates; He hates sin and wickedness.  He hates a lying tongue and feet that rush to do evil.  Our God is a God of unexplainable love, that is why He hates.  What a paradigm! God hates those things that destroy humans's lives and draw them away from Him.  He loves us so much He wants what is best for us, and He hates what takes us away from the beautiful life He has planned.  God, as you teach me how to love others more, teach me to hate what makes them stumble.  Teach me to hate the world's cruelities.  Then I can truly love those around me, and fear you all the more in the process.

What I hate:

I hate that 27 million people around the world are enslaved.

I hate that there are thousands of unreached people groups that haven't heard the gospel message.

I hate that in Africa, child soldiers are drugged and brainwashed to kill.

I hate that addictions are destroying individuals and their families.

I hate that thousands of children are growing up in foster care without a family to call their own.

I hate that the Dalits are persecuted so terribly in India.

I hate that prostitution is so widespread in Thailand.

I hate that AIDS is causing the deaths of millions in Africa and across the world.

I hate that divorce affects so many families in America.

I hate that Americans battle obesity while children in other countries starve to death.

I hate that our luxuries like chocolate and coffee come from the hard work of unpaid slaves in Africa.

I hate that in some places, being a Christian just means following empty religious traditions, not actually having a relationship with God.

I hate that people die around the world because they don't have clean drinking water.

I hate that in so many children don't have a bright future because they can't get an education.

I hate that some people don't even have the Bible in their own language.

I hate that wickedness triumphs so often, but I trust that in the end, God will triumph over that evil.

So what's your story?

"My story... uh... well..."

I've had a few people ask me this question recently and I never seem to know how to respond. 

"My story?  You mean my testimony?  Or how I chose the college I did?  Or what my family is like?  Where I live?  Come on, just asking me for my story is way too general..."

Maybe the truth is, I don't have too much of a story.  And if I do, it's not one worth telling.  It's probably boring or cliche.  I could say something like, "Well, I live in the south with my sister, mom and dad.  I go to this college and am majoring in communications and bible.  I am doing online school this year but next year I am going far away for college.  I love God- almost always have, and want to live in a way that people see that.  Yeah."

That's my default story I think. 

But what if my story could tell what's on my heart.  What if my story got deeper.

"I grew up in a beautiful world with a family I always knew loved me and the knowledge of Jesus Christ that gave me love, joy, peace, and freedom.  I always wanted to be used by God, to make known His love to others like He had made known His love to me.  I struggled because it was hard to seperate what my material blessings with God's love.  What about those who don't have anything?  God still loves them, right?  Well, He does.  Jesus's death shows that.  But so many don't know.  They look at the sunrise each morning and up at the stars at night and they are held accountable by this general revelation.  Yet they don't have or know the Bible enough to accept Jesus and discover His love. 

When I was 7 years old I began to write and haven't stopped writing since.  Now I want to write about what God is doing all around the world as more and more people come to know Him.  I love praying for the world, seeing churches sprout up in Mexico, lifting up the spiritual deadness in Greece, meeting with a missionary from Spain, writing to kids whose lives are being transformed by an education and God's love. 

My story is about God's love.  It has made me who I am today.  Who has blessed me? God.  How am I saved?  God's love.  What inspires me to write?  God's love.  Why did I chose what I chose for my college?  So I could better reveal to others God's love.  Why encourage friends?  So they can see God's love.  Why learn the Bible?  To better understand God's love.  Why endure tough times?  To relate to others how God's love is faithful through every trial and change. Why would I endure suffering?  To express God's love.

His love is crazy for me.  It is overwhelming. I'm not just saying this in a charismatic and emotional way.  Yes, sometimes my motives get out of line and my priorities mixed up.  But in the end, this is what my story is about, I hope."

So my friend and reader, what is YOUR story?

"Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. ¹⁹ We love Him^[b] because He first loved us."

~1 John 4:17-19

(What I Know)

Is this REAL?

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you...

First, love.

“I know your works, your labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name’s sake and have not become weary.  Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love."
~Revelation 2:2-4

Recently, I was talking with my friend about the story of Mary and Martha.  Jesus honored Mary's worship but plainly stated his opposition to Martha's busyness.  Sadly, Christians seem to more often fall into the Martha category than that of Mary.  There is ministry to be done! People to save! Another commitment to make!  This is quite true.  But is that how God desires us to live, in a rush of constant service and guilt if we are not doing something for the kingdom?  Even if accomplishing the right goals, service can become a distraction from God. 

As a person involved in ministry and service multiple times a week, I have to check my heart.  I am beginning to see that I am in danger of losing my first love under the disguise of serving.  God's command is not our "busyness" but our love and our obedience.  I think if we can hold onto our first love and truly worship God, then that will come out of our lives in every way and ultimately lead to the right kind of service. 

Wind-swept hair, Flying fish, Enchanting rainforest, Whale tails, Bright Caterpillars, Sacred Romance.

This past week I spent away from home, on some sunny islands in the caribbean. On first arriving in Puerto Rico, I struggled with going on such a lovely vacation.  How could I go on a cruise and have so much, when others have so little?  Guilt wrestled me.  I should be spending my time doing something more meaningful, I should be spending my money on something helping others more, I should be spending more time reading my Bible. 

I started reading this book by John Eldredge entitled Sacred Romance and realized something.  Yes, God is practical and does want us to be wise with our time and money.  However, He doesn't want us to kill our hearts.  He wants us to LOVE Him.  Not abandon love altogether to please Him.  He desires us to glory in Him, rejoice in His goodness, enjoy His creation, and smile.  He does not ask for empty repetition.  As Oswald Chambers says: "Most people begin coming to God once they stop being religious, because there is only one master of the human heart- Jesus Christ, not religion."

As I remembered the captivating moments God has blessed me with, I realized how good God truly is.  On my vacation, I began to look for those glimpses and cherish them.  I admired the waterfalls and the expanse of the ocean.  I became unafraid to look at life as an adventure and love story.  As Frederick Buechner says:

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight.  It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too.  It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive.  Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a worlds where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happy ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name... That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it it that it is true, that is not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still."

When I rededicated my life to Christ almost three years ago, it wasn't so that I could become a better person.  It was because I wanted God to take me on an adventure.  And He has.  And He still will.  He's taught me to be steadfast during the tough times. But He's also given me passion to live each day in love with Him.

Who He is.

"God loves us because of who He is

and not because of who we are."

{Captivated}

Sweep me away, Lord!

I can see God's love in the starry night and in the deep blue sky.  I can see it at the zoo surrounded by my family and the memories we had shared there.  I can see his love in the intricacy of the orchid I paint in art class.  I can see it in my friends' laughs, and their ability to do so.  I can see God's love resonating from my classmates as we play with children in Mexico.  I see it when we give out bags of food to the homeless on Saturdays.  I can see it in a worship concert where hands are raised up high and melodious voices combine.  God's love is seen in a child's smile after asking Jesus into their heart.  This love is seen in Jesus's awful death.  It is seen in the pain he suffered, because of the grace he gave us.  It is seen in that self-sacrifice for a very undeserving people, us. 

God, He loves us.  It sounds oh-so-cliche.  And yet, we can't overlook the significance.  God loved us so much He died for us and rose again so that we could live. He does not just epitomize or define love, HE IS LOVE. 

I see God's love in all this.  And I am forever thankful for it.

1 step forward, 2 steps back.

Lately I’ve been finding that each time I get an answer to question, I end up with at least two more questions in response.  On Christmas, I wrote on the whole front page of notebook paper with questions for God in my prayer journal.  I get frustrated because I feel as if my relationship with God isn’t moving anywhere fast enough, like I’m not getting enough answers, not changing enough, not becoming better. 

Then I realize this.  My relationship with God is like running a race.  But my goal isn’t about becoming a better person.  It isn’t about finding all the answers.  There are some things I will never understand.  It isn’t about following the rules, learning lessons, or finding a ministry.  It’s about LOVE.

When asked what the greatest commandment is, what did Jesus say?  LOVE God.  LOVE others.  I’m running a race and it’s toward Christ.  What compels me to keep running?  God’s LOVE.  What should I do along the way?  Simply LOVE.  

It's easy to get caught up in the motions and miss the meaning, to focus on the end and forget the means.  All we have is now, this "2/5ths of a second" as Francis Chan puts it.  I want my 2/5ths of a second, my race, to be run by, through, and with God's LOVE.   

I'm His child, and He's my God.

{Heaven & Earth}

This past Wednseday I got the chance to see Phil Wickham in concert.  It was so incredible, and not only Phil's amazing voice, but the lyrics to his songs.  The hour and half concert was such perfect worship.  This is what I learned:

Your Arrival

"We are waiting, anticipating
Your arrival, Your arrival
Voices raising, celebrating
Your arrival, Your arrival"

How can I live my life more remembering, "waiting, anticipating" Jesus's arrival?  I don't want "Your Arrival" to be a song I sing simply once upon a concert, I want it to be the cry of my heart each and every day.  I want my gaze to be fixed on God's face and His will and His kingdom.  

"You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near." James 5:8.  Am I living my life like He is coming? What am I doing with my 2/5ths of a second?

Desire
"This is glory rising, over a new horizon
I See Your love, I feel Your smile
You're in my heart and I will run with all I have to You"

When Phil played this song, I rejoiced.  I remember worshiping along with this song while driving to and from work this past summer.  My desire hasn't changed since then.  Yes, my plans have changed a little- colleges, mission trips, etc. but God is the same and I still desire to run with all I have to Him.

Cannons
"Beautiful and free
Song of Galaxies
It's reaching far beyond the milky way
Lets join in with the sound
C'mon let's sing it loud
As the music of the universe plays"

That evening when I got back home from the concert, it was one of those beautiful evenings I wished I could have pitched a tent in my backyard and just slept out there look at the stars.  Plus there was a meteor shower that night :).  Though I was only able to look at them for a few minutes, I can't deny that the "moon and stars, declare who You are" is so true of God.  

Because of Your Love
"Because of your cross my debt is paid
Because of you blood my sins are washed away
Now all of my life, I freely give
Because of your love, Because of your love I live"

The power of these lyrics, the gospel message, doesn't lose meaning no matter how often you hear them. 
  
But do I truly give all of my life freely?  I tell God I will do anything, go anywhere, be anything, but what if my dreams aren't His?  What if He has plans for me that I don't actually hope for? 

"Because of Your love I live..."  What do I have to withhold from God?  He gave me life, He gave me love, He gave me His son.  As Elisabeth Elliot says "He gives all, He asks all."

Safe
"You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
because the hands that hold the world
are holding your heart
this is a promise He made
He will be with you always
when everything is falling apart
you will be safe in His arms"

This song not only reminds me that my life is safe in God's hands, but also of my friends- the broken-hearted, the burdened, the tired, the lonely, those who have endured things I can't even understand.  My prayer goes out for them, that they would know that they are "safe in His arms," even "when everything is falling apart."  

Heaven Song
"I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing
No, I cant wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song"

The worship night made me restless for heaven.  If it was earthly worship, what will heavenly worship be like? 

I thought this picture
of Phil and his wife was
pretty cute, so I had to
post it <3

True Love

Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

I wish someone would have told me when I was a little girl that my relationship with God could be a divine romance.  I had to figure that out by myself when I rededicated my life to Christ after ninth grade.

Like it talks about in Captivating, a little girl's desire is to unveil beauty, to be romanced, and take part in an adventure.  She cries out of her heart, "Am I lovely?"  I am not immune to this.  Part of me is so much like who I was when I was five when I first watching Cinderella.  Yes, I long to be swept off my feet.  However, God has been just been teaching me to wait, to trust, to not pursue it and let God do it.  Basically, for now my heart is God's.  He is my true love.  And He will always be, even after I marry.  If I can't love God first now, how will I love Him first when I have a boyfriend and then am married?  God has really been helping me become secure in Him, secure in waiting, and secure in not dating just to date.

True Love is patient.

I Will Wait For You There
"I will wait for You there
Down on my knees where I met You
Give You all of my cares
Find a grace to hold onto now
I’m calling for You"

They're like prayers, that's what these songs are.  Like David's psalms, that's what they are.  I want to wait on the Lord, to pray, and cry "Hallelujah's in the morning, Hallelujah's at night."

O Come All Ye Faithful
"O come let us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
Christ the Lord"

So Phil ended the concert with a Christmas song... And it's before Thanksgiving.  Oh well, he's an exception to my "no christmas music before thanksgiving rule."  I think it's because the song could truly be a worship song too.  As I look forward to the Christmas season, how can I use this time to adore Christ?  How can I use this Thanksgiving break to show my thanks? 

Anyways, this all has been on my mind for a while.  And it's finally break so I should have more time to write again soon!