Time is running away with me.

A year ago they told me that once you graduate high school, life moves forward in super-sonic speed. Well, time has definitely ran away with me since then.  


I have seen so many couples get married over the past year; one of my best friends got engaged last month.  A lot of my younger friends just graduated from high school.  I spent a month in Africa and traveled there and back by myself.  I now am preparing to go away to Chicago in the fall.  My grandpa passed away in this past February and we flew up for his funeral and my grandma moved out of her old house for the past 50 years.  I just went to high school summer camp as a group leader instead of a student.  My sister is now a Senior in high school.  I'm growing up- spiritually, emotionally, socially.  Time is passing yet God has never changed a bit.  He is the beautiful constant amidst the change.

My heart is

full... 

God is taking me to Africa.
Flight tickets bought, bags just about packed, countless prayers prayed, hugs given, phone calls made, letters sent, surprises prepared, conferences attended...
2 days ago I got this e-mail and talked to my dad on the phone.  There was suddenly a possibility the trip was off.  My heart was stricken.  Lies haunted me- God does not want to use me.  I am never going to be good enough.  Lies multiplied.
Then I just had a peace.  I knew the truth.  NO MATTER IF I WAS ABLE TO TAKE THE TRIP OR NOT, GOD LOVED ME.  If He was going to close that door, it was only because He was going to open another one.  Still, I felt such a strong calling to go.  Why would God call me and prepare me and put the pieces completely in place to abandon me?  My God is faithful.  He has steadfast love.  He will not leave me.  And He didn't.
I started reading Psalm 91 and dwelled on God's promises.  And you know what? He kept His promise!  
Tomorrow God is going to begin to stretch my faith in a completely new way as I embark on a trip to Africa.  I will be sure to keep you updated on the adventure as well as I can.   All I know is that these words cannot do justice to the overwhelming joy in my heart.  God has not abandoned me or found me useless.  He wants me to shine for Him on another continent.   


As I look back on my Freshman year of college, God never once left my side!  He was there during the good, bad, mundane, and joyous.  He was there and it was His will.  My heart is full. 

. Connecting . The . Dots .

On any given day, a flood of memories will hit me.  There's connections of songs, emotions, smells even, that bring me back in time.  It's like that 5-click game on wikipedia.  Each and every thing and event has a connection to another memory, until I find myself lost in thought.   Yesterday I found myself connecting the dots between how God has showed up in my life.  As I prayed, read some prayer journals, and remembered, I was overwhelmed by God's sovereignty in my life thus far.  Despite my own foolish mistakes, God has kept working everything together in my life for good.  He has revealed himself so many times in response to my prayers and heart's desires.  He also has worked things out for what is best even when I did not understand it at the time.  As I connect the dots between what God has done in my life, I can't help but be in awe.  It inspires a new trust in me.  

Recently,

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."

~John Burrough

This Good Day.

"Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading..."

~O.C.

I'm afraid but I'm brave.  

God is leading me to some breath-taking places over the next few months and I want to be ready.

Meanwhile, I am just savoring this good day.  It consists of common tasks and future preparation.  Today was a day of prayer, learning arabic, memorizing Bible verses, running miles, Chinese food with Mom, baking cookies, going swimming, reading about world missions, painting, doing laundry and dishes, and a long lovely chat with my sister.  I praise God for yesterday's life lived, for today's moments to cherish, and tomorrow's hopes that overwhelm me with peace.

Swans and Magnifying Glasses.

My grandpa is home now; he passed away on Friday.

As I thought about all he meant to me, I read parts of the book he wrote years ago.

He fought in World War 2, and death was always on his mind in those days.

He thought about dying at 24,

Who knew God would grant him 93 full years of life?

Make me more eternally minded Lord,

as I remember my grandpa and his life.

Don't let me forget those people in my life who taught me lessons,

those family members who loved me.

I don't want to forget.

Love is... patient

I really don't think it's a coincidence that this is the first description of love in 1 Corinthians 13.  Yet I think Christians often skim over it without contemplating the meaning.  It's easy to do this in today's world.  It feels like love should be almost instant- like everything else in America, like that 2 hour romance movie.  But beautiful love is not like that.

Patience means waiting.  Patience means enduring.  Patience means sacrifice and sometimes pain. Patience in different Bible translations means "suffering long."  According to those movies and the Bachelor, love doesn't involve much suffering.   Oh but it does.

Beautiful love holds out when it wants to let go.  Beautiful love doesn't settle but waits for the best.  Beautiful love takes time to develop and is not only a feeling.  Beautiful love will wait days, weeks, months and still love.  Beautiful love is not forced but is developed and deepened over time. This beautiful love is patient.

So God is the only true embodiment of "beautiful love."  But as I strive to be like Him each day, I strive to show beautiful love in my life too.  The guy I marry one day will not be perfect at showing God's beautiful love, but hopefully he will understand that patience we are called to in love and how God is our ultimate example of this.  That will be truly beautiful.

"Ebenezer" Stones.

1 Samuel 7:12- "Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, 'Till now the LORD has helped us.'”  

Joshua 4:19-20- "The people came up out of the Jordan on the tenth day of the first month, and they encamped at Gilgal on the east border of Jericho. And those twelve stones, which they took out of the Jordan, Joshua set up at Gilgal."

Today my pastor talked about Joshua and the memorial he set up by the Jordan river.  It was for the Israelites to remember all God had done for them.  This made me contemplate... What 12 "ebenezer" stones do I have in my life?  What 12 memories/places where God showed up can I treasure in my heart as I trust He will continue to do great things.  These words, phrases, places, listed below, are my memorial stones, of when God came through.

[I am nothing.  Everyday.  John 16:33.  To obey is better than sacrifice.  I was captivated.  "bEHOLD, LIKE THE CLAY IN THE POTTER'S HAND, SO ARE YOU IN MY HAND, o HOUSE OF iSRAEL."  In San Felipe. Be still and know that He is God.  I was deferred but He wasn't. prayers answered.  Your Love is a Song. A BIBLE.]

:'(

Hands down,

for some reason,

 I cry more about the

wonderful

times in my life than the

terrible

 times.



Alis Volat Propriis.... .. . .

(she flies with her own wings)

Up Up and Away.

"But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive." Genesis 50:20

Twenty-Eleven.

20 + 11 = One Incredible Year.

Incredibly wonderful and incredibly difficult.
I'm also incredibly close to my Savior because of  everything.
And I wouldn't trade a single part of 2011 for something better.
God's plan was perfect for it and sure I made some mistakes along the way,
But God worked all things together for good in my life to make it the best year yet.



Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of

Death.

More than any year before, 2011 has made me realize how truly short life is.

In January, my great aunt Vie, whom I had often received cards from, but never knew, came to visit my family.  We went to the zoo, to Olive Garden, to church with her.  And a few months later, just like that, she had a heart attack and passed away.  I did not think when I kissed her good-bye that I would never see her again or never again receive a beautiful card in the mail from her.  But just like that, she's gone.

Last year when I was recovering from being sick with pneumonia, I ran into one of my dad's friends from Bible Study at my church.  He asked me how I was feeling and told me he knew my dad.  I asked him his name because I thought I had never met him before.  When he replied, I realized I did know him; he was my dad's close friend who had been battling lung cancer for the past few years.  I hadn't even recognized him.  He had such faith.  His cancer escalated in the spring when he lost the battle against it.  He wanted to become a pastor of a satallite church but he never got the chance.  He left behind a family with a hole in it.  But now he's home.

I could tell you about the girl in my grade last year who's mom took her own life.  Then there was the girl who graduated two years before me, Saludatorian of her class, and passed away in her sleep while at college.  Now I hear about 5 deaths in the past three days:  One is a newly-wed young man who graduated a few years before me.  Another was a young woman on my friend's college dance team.  And then one of my online classmates lost three close friends (all 16 or younger) in a car accident. 

God, I believe these people are home, but why so soon?  My heart is overwhelmed. Please help me to make the most of each moment I have.  Because it could be over so quickly.

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?

October.

The rainstorms stop, the sun seems more orange, the air starts to cool, the breeze picks up, pumpkins surround the grocery store doors, the leaves are changing up North, pumpkin spice lattes are available at Starbucks, it smells like... October.

 

Worship with every breath.

Friday evening found me at an amusement park, riding indoor rollercoasters, battling thunderstorms, sipping coffee, eating ice cream with good friends, meeting celebrities, waiting in long lines, and experiencing some unexpected worship.

I feel close to God a lot now.  The other day I missed my devotion in the morning and it felt so strange until I finally read my Bible and prayed for a while.  I don't know what it is, but even the most ordinary moments of my life I feel close to God.  On Friday at Rock the Universe, I felt close to God simply by being around other believers.  But then I had these couple moments by myself with a crowd of unknown faces watching Switchfoot in concert and I just had such a moment of worship towards God.  There's something about that band's lyrics that are beyond profound to me.  I stood towards the back, surrounded by strangers, listening to them sing Stars, Your Love is a Song, This is Your Life, The Sound, and Gone.  The rollercoaster gliding behind the stage, the lights shining, the stars twinkling above, all seemed to fade out as I listened to these songs and worshipped God.  How? I just kept thinking about how God created those stars shining overhead before He even created man, before I existed.  I thought about how His love is a song, how I just knew His love so deeply and He was becoming my everything.  I meditated on His sovereignty and His goodness. I thought about my life and about who I wanted to be- a servant of God.  It was something that God has been slowly nurturing in me, this desire to serve Him each moment of my life and now I'm finally beginning to embrace it.  Before long, my prayers came to a close when my friends joined me again and we walked off in our still-wet-from-the-rain TOMS out of the park and back to the bus.  We were heading home.  What a wonderful Friday with an unexpected moment of worship, a "captivating moment" with the Lord!

Baby, it's a new day.

For a while I couldn't get out of feeling this strong nostalgia for the way things used to be... I missed my high school, sitting in class with my friends, doing artwork twice a day, seeing the same familiar faces that are long gone.

But then I finally came to realize, it's a new day.  I can't spend all this time remembering the past when I have so many wonderful things in the present to think about.  Like friends, this year I thought I would be left all alone, but God has given me wonderful friends :)  One day I met my friend for coffee to hear how her summer mission trip went.  Or this past Friday I spent time with a group of friends at Chili's just laughing and making the most of every moment.  Or tonight I went to my friend's beach house and played volleyball with some of her other friends on the beach.  These little things, these people, these moments make me happy.

Then I got a job this past week... What an incredible blessing! Now I can save up for the summer mission trip/internship I hope to take part in. 

I've also able to spend a lot more time with my family, without taking them for granted.  They love me so much!  So I get to be here with them for a year before I leave... I probably will never live in my house again after I go off to college. So why not make the most of the time now?

I can't live yesterday or tomorrow, just today.  So why not rejoice in the best of what today has to offer?  Today is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!

So long, farewell, auf weidersehen, goodbye.

Good-bye Class of 2011.

I trust God will do amazing things in your lives, even if I can't be nearby.

All the best to you in North Carolina, Illinois, Alabama, D.C., Tennessee and across the country and world. :)

I don't know why I'm still waiting... or do I?

But I am and it's the right thing.

I'm walking in obedience to God and that's what is most important. 
"Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him,

And He shall bring it to pass.

He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday.

Rest in the Lord,

and Wait patiently for Him."

Psalms 37:4-37a

Nearly every day I pray in Operation World, for countries that need Christ's love.

Then I go to countless locations around the world with my family.

But I don't get to go on missions trips.

2x. That's all.

And those two times in Bahamas and Mexico were wonderful.

Everything that God taught me was brought to life.

But I prayed so many times for God to send me out again, to the field.

And so far He's said "no" countless times.

No to Ethiopia, No to Bahamas again, No to Mexico again, No to Uganda.

I know why God did what He did.

Instead of Ethiopia, He wanted me to bond with my class on our 10th grade retreat.

And when the Bahamas trip was cancelled, I began praying for the 6 months leading up to Mexico.

I didn't get to go to Mexico again, but I did get to speak at their dinner fundraiser.

And if I had gone to Uganda I wouldn't have been able to lead a group at camp or help out at Liberty or be with my family when I needed to be.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,

To those who are the called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

Clearly God has always had me in the right place at the right time.

He sees the big picture.

Looking forward, I can trust that God will put me in the right place,

whether that be right where I am or one day in Uganda or Greece or wherever He may call me.

I can't keep letting Satan have a foothold and whisper:

"You are not adequate enough to ever go on the mission field, that is why God won't open the doors."

"You must have mistaken God's calling to surrender all, others have callings but can't you see by where you are: you. don't. matter."

"You will be waiting your whole life"

"Full surrender to God will not result in joy but pain"

"God is never going to give you an answer"

"How can God use you when you are sitting around at home studying?  You have all this knowledge but it's useless"

"Waiting on God is a waste of time"
Lies. The truth is, that to God:
"Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice..."
1 Samuel 15:22
I actually do know why I'm still waiting.
God has asked me to wait, so I wait.
I wait, I hope, I trust, I obey.
One day, He will ask me to go somewhere for Him.
And I will go.
"Show me Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day."
Psalms 25:4-5

In Reflection.

Busyness.  So often it overwhelms me.  Sometimes I'm not even sure what consumes my time, but there is always something.  So yesterday I was right in the middle of what was a very busy, bustling summer day.  And I had to stop. And wait.  At first it was painful as I sat parked outside my sister's friend's house, knowing that I was burning expensive gas to keep the AC running and my sister was still 10 minutes away.  However, I was forced to be still, to rest, to remember.  For this I am thankful.  As I stared out the window, I saw the blue cloud-filled summer sky, tall tree branches swaying, overgrown grass, insects buzzing all around.  It reminded of summer when I was little.  There were those days when my mom would drop me off for piano lessons.  I would trek through the tall grasses and bugs and walk in the sliding glass door.  I was 8 and loved it when my piano teacher assigned me a new song and would play it through once for me to hear.  Her house was cool and peaceful and perfect in so many ways.  Sometimes, the sun would fade and during my lesson rain would begin to pelt ths doors and windows.  But I was safe.  I was in my own little world where the rain drops kept tempo for the music notes bouncing around in my brain. 

I played piano for 8 years... but after having 4 different piano teachers, it had lost it's early charm.  I had forgotten about what music used to be to me once upon a childhood.  Somehow, in the half hour I sat waiting during a busy summer day, I was able to remember again. 

"I wish that we could sail our sad days away, forever, in deep blue seas of paper maché."

Remember:

{I opened your christmas presents for you}

{We went tubing on the Meramec}

{We stared in amazement at the flying fish in the middle of the ocean}

{Isn't it nice to know the lining is silver?}

{We rode donkeys up a cobblestone path to Greek ruins}

{Our late-night talks}

{We had every song in Aristocats memorized}

{Bike rides in the winter}

{That time we made empanadas together}

{We waded in the ocean at Mykonos}

{You always pressuring me to go on all the rollercoasters}

{Setting up the town at Christmastime}

{We would swing in the backyard}

{Ella Fitzgerald's music}

"There's no better friend than a sister and there's no better sister than you."

So whether it's during the hardest time ever or these cherished moments, I'm thankful to know I'm not alone.