Friday I had a little meltdown. Okay, it wasn't that little. I kind of may have lost my cool because I found people were using my kindness to take advantage of me. It kind of hurt. However, a huge part of it was rooted in this tiresome desire in me to always please everyone. I have spent a large portion of my life living to make other people happy or like me. Then when I can't seem to make them happy or please them no matter if I am trying hard to please them, it's hard.
What I realized through a good talk with a friend of mine later that evening is that I can't keep living for others to see. I need to live to the Lord- unto that audience of one. Then I also need to let God do the work AND get the credit. He deserves it, not me. Instead of focusing so much on what others see in me and what others need to do themselves, I will focus on God. He loves me all the time. He has made me "fearfully and wonderfully," a workmanship he wants to use. If I start looking to God to define me, hopefully I will not keep swinging between this intolerable self-pride and awful self-pity. Though I am a sinful human being, God has chosen to use me. How blessed I am to be able to partner with Him in service and live for His glory all the days of my life.
Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and race, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." ~2 Timothy 1:8-12~
What I realized through a good talk with a friend of mine later that evening is that I can't keep living for others to see. I need to live to the Lord- unto that audience of one. Then I also need to let God do the work AND get the credit. He deserves it, not me. Instead of focusing so much on what others see in me and what others need to do themselves, I will focus on God. He loves me all the time. He has made me "fearfully and wonderfully," a workmanship he wants to use. If I start looking to God to define me, hopefully I will not keep swinging between this intolerable self-pride and awful self-pity. Though I am a sinful human being, God has chosen to use me. How blessed I am to be able to partner with Him in service and live for His glory all the days of my life.
Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and race, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." ~2 Timothy 1:8-12~
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