17

The seventeen most worthwhile and memorable moments of my 17th year:

1) Getting my driver's license last March
2) Waking up early to watch the sunrise on Easter morning
3) Finishing AP U.S. History
4) Going to Prom, even though I wasn't going to go at first, but in the end had a wonderful time
5) Watching God work on Mexico Missions trip!  And having a "captivating" moment when I saw 360 degree blue sky :)
6) Traveling to Athens and the Greek Islands and reading the book of Acts at the same time.
7) The fireworks mishap my family had while in Missouri
8) Becoming involved in the Golden Acres community, building relationships with the kids there, and seeing them grow closer to Christ
9) Going to Chicago, Illinois and praying outside Navy Pier under the stars
10) Learning to "Be still and know that He is God" when I got pneumonia
11) Applying to college and talking to my classmates about their college plans
12) Watching my Senior class win the homecoming competition- Finally!
13) Worshipping God at the Phil Wickham concert
14) Celebrating my friends birthday at Cheesecake, taking pictures, and running to Pageant
15) Deleting my facebook for 2 months so I could spend more time with God
16) Winning an award for an art piece that was completely for God's glory and now could go to New York
17) Growing closer to God through struggles, having good friends to depend on, sharing fun memories like Candy Grams, and becoming more and more who God is calling me to be.

Overcoming.

This past week God kept allowing a certain conversation to come up.  I heard others- my parents, my teachers, my guidance counselors, my friends- all express to me in one or another that I need to be less afraid to be persuasive, decisive, and confident.  These remarks didn't upset me.  But they brought to view a deep spiritual issue that has been torturing me for my whole life (and especially the past few months) in my walk with God.  Up until this point, being steadfast meant bearing blows and enduring through pain and trials.  However, I've come to see that standing steadfast doesn't just involve taking blows, but dishing some out too.

Shocking, I know!  You see, I've realized that I've endured so much pain in the past months because I've let Satan walk all over me.  I've had so many spiritual attacks- lies whispered in my ear.  Lies like "I have nothing to offer," "I don't want to burden others with my problems," "I'm never going to be enough," "I don't deserve something this good," and "I can take this, I am strong enough on my own to take this."  Have you ever experienced this?

"I have nothing to offer" means I don't speak up even when I do have something important to say.  It means I don't take chances because I feel unworthy.

"I don't want to burden others with my problems" means that I bear every burden alone.  And God says "His yoke is easy and His burden is light."  But not to me.  Instead of speaking up, breaking down, I push the problem deeper inside.  This is why I have trouble being honest with my family and friends.

"I'm never going to be enough" relates to how I never feel good enough for my parents.  Even though they hardly express disapproval of me, Satan twists their words to make me feel insufficient.

"I don't deserve something this good" is a new lie Satan has put on me recently.  When I got deferred to college, I felt that I didn't deserve something that good.  When my small group leader bought muffins for my birthday and my small groups sang Happy Birthday to me, I felt completely like I, of all people, shouldn't be that blessed.

"I can take this, I am strong enough on my own to take this" is becoming the worst lie of all.  Because the truth is that I can't take all this on my own.  And I am not strong against the enemy.  Look at all the lies he's deceived me with! 

In the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge it says: "Now, often the hardest person to fight for is . . . yourself.  But you must.  Your heart is needed.  You must be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others.  Without you, much will be lost.  It is time to take a stand and to stand firm.  We are at war.  You are needed."

1 John 4:4 says "Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world."

The song Our God by Chris Tomlin goes:
"And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against."


Right now I know it won't be easy, but I won't let the enemy have a foothold in my life any longer.  It may take a lot of praying God's word, but "We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimonies."

Who He is.

"God loves us because of who He is

and not because of who we are."

For now we see in a mirror, dimly,

Where are you going to college? someone would casually ask.  And six months ago I would casually respond: Well, I feel like this college is where God is calling me, but if He doesn't call me there, He must have something better for me. It was so simple to say that then.  There was this plan; I made it, I loved it, it would serve God, and He would bless it. 2+2=4.  It was just that mathmatical.


Now here I sit, wondering why I had that mindset.  How was I so blind to my own motives?  I told myself and everyone else that I was convinced that God knows best wherever He would send me for college.  Then when God didn't do what I expected, I fell apart.  Well, almost.


All this time God had been teaching me to stand steadfast in the faith.  All this time He wanted me to love Him with all my being.  He wanted my heart, not flattery.  He wanted the deepest part of me to worship Him, not to beg Him for what I wanted.  I told Him I wanted what He wanted.  But a condition was silently tacted on.  I wanted what He wanted if it was what I wanted too.


Now I'm actually learning to want what God wants, to love Him unconditionally.  I can pray to God now with no strings attached.  I know that wherever He takes me for college will be best.  I'm not just saying this from on top of a spiritual high mountain, but from the middle of an expansive desert. 


We see in a mirror dimly...  I do not see the big picture.  But I am learning I don't have to.  Faith is not just a five letter word.  It's belief deep down that God knows what best and He will provide all things for good.  It may not be what I think is good.  But He knows what's good more than I do myself. 


So do I abandon those genuine vocation dreams I wrote about?  Do I abandon the college I dreamed about that was supposed to bring me closer to God, but really seperated me from Him? 


My mentor told me this: If God still wants you to go to this college, the door will still be open in April.  If God's purpose of my being deferred was teaching me to live out patience, faith, and perserverance and God still can use my life there now that I've learned, I can't completely abandon hope.  But now I see something else.  If God were to change my plans, it would be okay.  God's purpose for my entire existence is not to go to this college.  It's to know Him, love Him, perservere in steadfast faith, and love others along the way. I love what I read in Oswald Chambers yesterday (actually found on Feb. 22).  I posted the devotion below.


Tenacity is more than endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire. Tenacity is more than hanging on, which may be but the weakness of being too afraid to fall off. Tenacity is the supreme effort of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered. The greatest fear a man has is not that he will be damned, but that Jesus Christ will be worsted, that the things He stood for - love and justice and forgiveness and kindness among men - will not win out in the end; the things He stands for look like will-o'-the-wisps. Then comes the call to spiritual tenacity, not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately on the certainty that God is not going to be worsted.
 
If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified. There is nothing noble the human mind has ever hoped for or dreamed of that will not be fulfilled. One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God. "Because thou hast kept the word of my patience."
 
Remain spiritually tenacious.

Swan Princess Years.

Some of the best memories from my younger years were at a golf course.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom but an avid golfer and my sister and I would always tag along.  I still remember the early morning dew on the green stubby grass.  I can see my sister and I sitting in the shade of the golf cart or playing on the putting green.  Then there were the days when my mom decided my sister and I should learn to play golf and she bought us miniature golf clubs and colorful golf balls.  It never excited us like it did for her.  She would throw out incentives but our fascination for golf could not be inspired.  We would rather hang out in the golf clubhouse or beg her to drive the golf cart. 

These memories all swarmed back to me when I found out that my senior prom is at the golf course my parents were first members.  I remember walking by the fountains and staring at the staircase in awe at of the events held there.  Now I get to go back to this location where I spent so many childhood memories, and have some of the concluding memories of my senior year there.  It's just a little blessing for me :)

Enchanted.

http://owlcitymusic.com/vday/

Be mine ;)

There's something about this funny holiday called Valentine's Day.  My perspective on it seems to change each year.  I've gone from day-dreamer to cynic to romantic to indifferent to today, just plain loving the day.  Valentine 's Day celebration at my school began with a scavenger hunt race this past Friday.  If you know my school, you can just see the students running all around, through all the halls and classrooms, and occasionally colliding.  Then today was CANDY GRAMS!!! woot woot!  Combine most of a senior class, red and pink clothes including tutus, an elementary school, candy bags, a handheld stereo, musical instruments, and the songs "Baby," "Firework," and "You belong with me;" let's just say today was incredible.  Although I am a little tired of the Beiber songs running through my head.

Don't you see?

"...I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done."
~Elisabeth Elliot

Wavering.

I am like a cherry blossom blowing in the wind. 

I want to cry out like David: "I will never be shaken!"  I want to be loyal like Ruth: "Wherever you go I will go." I guess I don't have everything figured out.  But I'm holding onto the One who does.

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
~Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Beauty for Ashes.

What do I love?  Seeing God make beauty for ashes.

So often I feel like Jeremiah, with such a burden for the God's people and the lost, but no results in sight.  It's like "God, I pray everyday to you for my school, for this community, for countries and people around the world and then I don't see anything.  What now?"  However, lately, I have been seeing some amazing answers to prayer.  It's like when we do something whole-heartedly for God's glory and according to His will, He blesses it. 

 

1) In Mexico. On Friday in Chapel I saw more of what God did in Mexico while the Juniors were on their trip.  I was beyond encouraged.  It was estimated that somewhere around 500 people came to know Christ.  That number astounds me.  But what astounds me more is that for each and every person of that number now can have hope in Christ.  Though Mexico is ridden with crime and broken by poverty, it is finding beauty in Christ our Savior.  

2) At my school.My school has been hurting a lot lately, but we've grown together because of it.  I see God answering the prayers that we pray as a prayer group every Friday.  I see a divided school beginning to become united for Christ.  I see individuals really seeking God.  I know that I only see the outward appearance, and God looks at the heart, but I still can't help but be encouraged. 

3) In Human Trafficking. It's an intense subject, but it's one my school decided to address in their dance concert this year.  The dance explained the horrors and pains of human trafficking, but also the hope of God's redemption.  In a club at my school, students are uniting to race money to build a school in India for Dalit children.  One step at a time- awareness, action, support, God's help- can be the starting points that can led to us seeing God making beauty for ashes in this area.

4) In Golden Acres.  This community is truly being transformed.  Every Friday night when I am there with the kids, I watch the sunset in the background as we do worship and bible studies with the kids.  There is hope on the horizon.  And we all are beginning to see it.  This community is slowly but surely changing, by God's help and for His glory.  The children are beginning to really understand that our love for them is because of God.  I don't see the outreach there ending for many years.  Maybe, just maybe, each new generation of high school students each year will continue to embrace and pour into this neighborhood. 

5) At Love Bags. My friends and I are now going to be able to mobolize the elementary students to collect items for the outreach to the homeless- Love Bags.  We will hopefully be able to speak in their chapel and spur them on.  Then they can continue the ministry of Love Bags long after I graduate from high school.  I am in awe of God for working all this out.  Truly, I am so thankful to be able to be a part of all this as His servant.

Gracias Senor! Por todo!

These Things Take Time.

That Makes Sense...

Today I learned something quite helpful.  My friend had told me about this book: Strength Finders by Tom Roth.  I've been wanting to get it for a while so that I could assess what my strengths truly are and then be better able to grow in and utilize them.  Well, I was a bit surprised by some of my top strengths, but when I read into them further it made perfect sense! I'm not very much into self-improvement, but I like this book so that I can discover what I'm good at so that I can glorify God more with that.

Out of the 34 possible strength, mine were:
1) Connectedness- The secular description of this strength was a bit new agey, but I definitely see how this strength stands out in my life as a Christian.  I do  believe with all I am that everything happens for a reason.  I also believe that God has a plan for each and every person on earth.  As I admitted in english class the other day, I see the best in everyone.  And after traveling around to various different countries, I see distinct differences but I see so many patterns.  God is at work all across the world.  His church is not one in a single building, it is global.  I have this on my heart as I pray through Operation World each day.  People everywhere need God's love and Jesus's grace.  I see that and in that way feel a connectedness to others.  That's the way God made me: with this strength that gives me such a burden for my grade, my school, my church, the global church, the world.  That's why I want to write for a Christian missions or ministry organization after college.  I want to connect Christians to God, other Christians, and to unbelievers who need to hear God's word.
2) Input- It would be surprising to some people I know, but I actually have strong opinions about a lot of subjects.  Except, I am not the leader-type when it comes to sharing my opinion.  Ask me to edit your essay, or explain what I am learning and I will give you my input.  Having input is really important to a person who wants to go into writing or journalism.  I really see how God is using that piece in the plan for my life as well.
3) Responsibility- Especially when it comes to schoolwork, I am very good at being responsible.  I kind-of feel as if God has not asked too much extra out of me when it comes to responsibility, but I can imagine how He will challenge me with this in the future.
4) Achiever- This word would not surprise either of my parents or any of my friends.  God has given me a natural inclination toward striving to achieve.  This is a gift, especially when it comes to work and school, but I have to be careful to not let this come before people in my life.  I tend to put friendships on the backburner sometimes to ambition, and this is never good.  I pray that God will give me that balance.
5) Intellection- This strength, I believe, is because I like reading and I love to take part in deep conversations.  I am not a big fan of small talk, although sometimes it's hard to smoothly transfer from shallow conversation to deep thoughts.  This strength goes with connectedness in that I want to hear what is going on deep within people's lives.  I want to hear their hopes deep down.  The irony to all this is my own personal struggle to share really openly with others. 

It shouldn't not all about me, ever.  But I feel as if finding out these strengths helped solidify the calling I feel God has on my life.  :) If I can use my life to bring Him glory, that's what matters more.