Eye-Opening Reality Check.

This is the best documentary I have ever seen and #1 item on my Christmas list...

I’m thankful for this past week…

1)  The lovely mile run I took last Saturday morning.  I was finally able to run after weeks of being sick with pneumonia and the weather was incredible.  Now I can try to reach my goal of running three miles in a row.

2)  Shoeboxes.  My dad and sister and I strolled through walmart picking out school supplies, toothbrushes, toys, and t-shirts to compile in shoeboxes.  It’s a family tradition and I will miss doing it with my family when I’m in college next fall.

3)  Breezy Beach ultimate Frisbee soccer?  Highlights include getting the soccer ball kicked into my neck, being stung by a jelly fish, letting my friends bury me in sand, and doing a crazy scavenger hunt. So worth it though!

4)  Artwork. While my window was open and letting the beautiful breeze come into my room, with my music on, and with a paintbrush in my hand, I made a lot of headway on my concentration section for my art portfolio.

5)  Yankee Candle.  When my mom, sister, and I were shopping, we walked in the Yankee Candle store to smell all the wonderful candles.  My sister and I both confessed that scents spark memories for us.  Therefore, that time in Yankee Candle reminded me of a lot of great moments.

6)  Passport renewal.  I can travel again soon! I wonder what country stamps will be in this passport…

7)  Wednesday night small groups and prayer time.  I had a wonderful time in prayer with my small group!

8)  September.  No, not the month, but the song by earth, wind, and fire.  I have to admit, I love the time my sister, dad, and I spend listening to 70’s music in the car.  Most of the music I can’t stand, but I just love the quality time.  I know that in year when I’m in college, I will miss it.

9)  Cooking Turkey with my mom.  And eating pumpkin pie with my dad. And watching Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade with my sister.  MEMORIES.

10) Finally finishing the Book Prayer by Philip Yancey. What book next?

11) Deep conversations with friends I haven’t seen in forever.  Why does college have to take friends so far away?  I love the encouragement I can get from one evening catching up.

12) Watching my parents make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the homeless. :)

13) A Surprise Birthday Party for someone who definitely deserved one!

14) Christmas music.  In the car.  As I drive my sister and I around.

15) Who God is.  What God has done.  How God is working in my life today.  All the blessings that each new day brings.  Each breath of air.  Each sunset and sunrise.  The stars that don’t fail to shine.  Hope.  Making mistakes but being forgiven.  Having the ability to point others to Christ.  That is what I am thankful for this past week.  

I'm letting go, I'm letting go.

My friend showed me this song.  It is so true about everything going on right now.

Worry or Worship?

"Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds." ~Matthew 6:26 Message

I lay on the beach, being buried in sand like worries

Piles and piles of grainy sand on top of me

Only my head escapes

I can't breathe

The weight, it suffocates me

No more! I cry

Suddenly, I am lifted up

Freedom from the fetters sand had forced on me

I run to the ocean, I run to my Savior's arms

No more burdens, only refreshing cool water

Reason to rejoice

Seagulls sail overhead.

Why did I let worries surround me-

When the God's arms were open to set me free?

I simply had to run to the ocean,

To look at the birds,

And remember,

Remove the sand of worry,

And worship the Savior who works all things together for good.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to You."  Matthew 6:33

As I strive to seek first God's kingdom, I place the rest in His hands, trusting that it will be added.  I need to learn to trade my worries for worship. 

{Heaven & Earth}

This past Wednseday I got the chance to see Phil Wickham in concert.  It was so incredible, and not only Phil's amazing voice, but the lyrics to his songs.  The hour and half concert was such perfect worship.  This is what I learned:

Your Arrival

"We are waiting, anticipating
Your arrival, Your arrival
Voices raising, celebrating
Your arrival, Your arrival"

How can I live my life more remembering, "waiting, anticipating" Jesus's arrival?  I don't want "Your Arrival" to be a song I sing simply once upon a concert, I want it to be the cry of my heart each and every day.  I want my gaze to be fixed on God's face and His will and His kingdom.  

"You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near." James 5:8.  Am I living my life like He is coming? What am I doing with my 2/5ths of a second?

Desire
"This is glory rising, over a new horizon
I See Your love, I feel Your smile
You're in my heart and I will run with all I have to You"

When Phil played this song, I rejoiced.  I remember worshiping along with this song while driving to and from work this past summer.  My desire hasn't changed since then.  Yes, my plans have changed a little- colleges, mission trips, etc. but God is the same and I still desire to run with all I have to Him.

Cannons
"Beautiful and free
Song of Galaxies
It's reaching far beyond the milky way
Lets join in with the sound
C'mon let's sing it loud
As the music of the universe plays"

That evening when I got back home from the concert, it was one of those beautiful evenings I wished I could have pitched a tent in my backyard and just slept out there look at the stars.  Plus there was a meteor shower that night :).  Though I was only able to look at them for a few minutes, I can't deny that the "moon and stars, declare who You are" is so true of God.  

Because of Your Love
"Because of your cross my debt is paid
Because of you blood my sins are washed away
Now all of my life, I freely give
Because of your love, Because of your love I live"

The power of these lyrics, the gospel message, doesn't lose meaning no matter how often you hear them. 
  
But do I truly give all of my life freely?  I tell God I will do anything, go anywhere, be anything, but what if my dreams aren't His?  What if He has plans for me that I don't actually hope for? 

"Because of Your love I live..."  What do I have to withhold from God?  He gave me life, He gave me love, He gave me His son.  As Elisabeth Elliot says "He gives all, He asks all."

Safe
"You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
because the hands that hold the world
are holding your heart
this is a promise He made
He will be with you always
when everything is falling apart
you will be safe in His arms"

This song not only reminds me that my life is safe in God's hands, but also of my friends- the broken-hearted, the burdened, the tired, the lonely, those who have endured things I can't even understand.  My prayer goes out for them, that they would know that they are "safe in His arms," even "when everything is falling apart."  

Heaven Song
"I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing
No, I cant wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song"

The worship night made me restless for heaven.  If it was earthly worship, what will heavenly worship be like? 

I thought this picture
of Phil and his wife was
pretty cute, so I had to
post it <3

True Love

Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

I wish someone would have told me when I was a little girl that my relationship with God could be a divine romance.  I had to figure that out by myself when I rededicated my life to Christ after ninth grade.

Like it talks about in Captivating, a little girl's desire is to unveil beauty, to be romanced, and take part in an adventure.  She cries out of her heart, "Am I lovely?"  I am not immune to this.  Part of me is so much like who I was when I was five when I first watching Cinderella.  Yes, I long to be swept off my feet.  However, God has been just been teaching me to wait, to trust, to not pursue it and let God do it.  Basically, for now my heart is God's.  He is my true love.  And He will always be, even after I marry.  If I can't love God first now, how will I love Him first when I have a boyfriend and then am married?  God has really been helping me become secure in Him, secure in waiting, and secure in not dating just to date.

True Love is patient.

I Will Wait For You There
"I will wait for You there
Down on my knees where I met You
Give You all of my cares
Find a grace to hold onto now
I’m calling for You"

They're like prayers, that's what these songs are.  Like David's psalms, that's what they are.  I want to wait on the Lord, to pray, and cry "Hallelujah's in the morning, Hallelujah's at night."

O Come All Ye Faithful
"O come let us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
Christ the Lord"

So Phil ended the concert with a Christmas song... And it's before Thanksgiving.  Oh well, he's an exception to my "no christmas music before thanksgiving rule."  I think it's because the song could truly be a worship song too.  As I look forward to the Christmas season, how can I use this time to adore Christ?  How can I use this Thanksgiving break to show my thanks? 

Anyways, this all has been on my mind for a while.  And it's finally break so I should have more time to write again soon! 

Each and every moment.

It’s one of those weeks where God is teaching me something new each and every moment. 

And I love it!

We Are Not Alone.

Transparency. Honesty. Openess. Teardrops. Prayer.  Support.

This is why I love my school small group :) 

Like A Mosaic, Life...

Unpredictable. Unsure.  Beautiful. Art. Expression. Opportunity.

Every year at my school, about 10 seniors are chosen to represent certain categories as Silver Knight nominees.  Some friends of mine did it last year and said it was a great experience, but the people they were competing against were crazy- talented. That might be part of the reason I was so unsure when I got nominated this year.

Excited, no doubt.  Uncertain, definitely.

I was nominated for the category art, probably the category I am least sure about.  English would have been easier or social science since I have an unending knowledge of history since AP US last year.  But art is a challenge.

Honestly, the art world is pretty dark.  So many artists have alternative lifestyles.  I am so different from them in so many ways.

{People who have come to know the joy of God do not deny the darkness, but they choose not to live in it.  They claim that the light that shines in the darkness can be trusted more than the darkness itself and that a little bit of light can dispel a lot of darkness.} ~Henri Nouwen

I see the darkness of the art world, and suddenly, this opportunity comes out of nowhere that allows me to stand for something good in it.  Despite my insecurity, there is so much that God can teach me through embracing this opportunity.  Through my artwork, I can point to Christ.  How blessed am I that God wants to use me here!

“Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” ~Colossians 4:5-6



Splagehnizomai.

I don’t know how to pronounce this, but I know what it means in English: Compassion.

“Anything helps, even a smile…”

Recently I was stopped at a stoplight and noticed a homeless woman carrying this sign.  How burdened I suddenly was.  I had no money to give, but I did have the ability to treat her as a fellow human-being and brighten up her day, with a smile.

When I did Love Bags the last half of my junior year, God altered my perspective.  Yes, there were some scary moments and I did meet some people who had rough lives, but I now see that they just want someone to talk to them, to love the unlovely, to pray for broken lives.  I saw the Holy Spirit work so much as we shared God’s word with them.  It was a wonderful chance for us to point them to the one who has transformed our lives- Jesus.  He can transform theirs too. 

A few Saturday mornings out sharing with the homeless puts everything in perspective.  It also gives us the chance to live out the compassion we feel. 

I miss this. 

I really hope I can go again soon after Thanksgiving…

Isaiah 61:1-3-  “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent me to heal the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives; and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” 

One Meal One Day.

Today was One Meal One Day.

Not. Good. Enough.

Three words that haunted me for a long time. 

On chapel on Friday when the drama group did a skit, that’s the character I related with; the one who said she never felt good enough.  Pretty much all middle school and ninth grade I believed that lie and every now and then it still pops into my head.

I don’t think I’m the only one who has felt this way.  Apart from God’s grace, I don’t think we can possibly ever feel sufficient.  

To overcome this deception, I love to return in 2 Corinthians.  Chapter 12 verse 9- “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’”

I am not good enough in the least on my own.  My striving isn’t enough.  My goal-making isn’t enough.  My rules list isn’t enough.  My own attempts are not enough.  My accomplishments are not even enough.  However, I am sufficient in Christ. 

2 Corinthians 3:5-6 reads, “Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.” 

Lord, “Your Grace is Enough.” 

[Time]

I graduate in 200 days. 

Psalm 90:12- "Teach us to number our days,
   that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

"Submit Application" Button.

What a scary thing. 
Suddenly all the control you thought you had leaves you.
It is completely in God's hands...
Although, maybe it was all along.


God has been taking me on this incredible journey with applying to this one college.  I submitted my application to it on Thursday.  I had heard about this university a couple years ago and knew it was wonderful.  Inside my heart I knew I wanted to apply there all along, but spiritually I was not ready. This past summer it was on my list of colleges but I was convinced I was not "good enough" to go to this school.  Everyone I know who goes there is so nearly perfect and spiritually strong and I am insufficient.  It crazy how Satan twists truths into lies.  In September I was able to fly to visit the college. I knew when I was singing in the worship during chapel there that this is where I would love to be.  To grow closer to God.  To learn more about writing.  To be encouraged.  To be prepared for the ministry God has for me.  And yet at the same time, to be in the world, doing outreach.  Then I came back and began the essay-writing process.  I spent a month on the application essays, seeking God and putting into words what He has shown me.


Then it all comes to this.  The "Submit Application" button.  Is it good enough? What more can I do?  Is this God's will?  These questions flash through my mind a millions times per second.  I click the button.  It's all out of my control.  It's all in God's hands.  Though, maybe it was all along.


It's not about me being "not good enough" or "good enough," it's God will.  I just need to trust that God knows best, whether this college is His will or not.


"Trust in the LORD, and do good;
         Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
 Delight yourself also in the LORD,
         And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
         Trust also in Him,
         And He shall bring it to pass.
He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
         And your justice as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;
         Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way..."
~Psalm 37:3-7a

Remembering.

"For me, the words of prayer are less important than the act of remembering. I look for the spaces, the interstices, in my life. Lying awake at night, insomnious.  Soaking in a bathtub. Driving. Biding time while my computer reboots. Sitting in a ski lift. Standing in line at a check-out counter. Waiting for someone who is late. Riding on a public bus or train. Exercising. Lengthy church services, I find, offer prime opportunities for prayer.  Instead of fidgeting or staring at my watch during a lull, I pray.  If I remember, I try to turn those otherwise wasted moments into prayers..."
~Philip Yancey Prayer Does It Make Any Difference?

The only thing that's beautiful in me is You.

Wonder Full.

“I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful”

~Phil Wickham “Beautiful”

Here I sit, beneath a blanket of stars. They shine overhead like a million tiny fireflies in a sea of smoke, like a million tiny Christians in the world.  As I see them shimmer and sing, they remind me of God’s promises.  An early covenant with Abraham, “count the stars and remember…”  This is my chance to count the stars and recall what God has been showing me in the past 6 months.  It all began in Mexico, on a starry night much like this, in a tiny town in the Yucatan Peninsula.  Promise #1: The Lord hears our prayers.  I had been praying for months and finally was on a mission trip in Mexico.  After a busy day, news came that some had received salvation.  We rejoiced over how God heard our prayers for salvation as we rode back in our van in the depths of night, we prayed for the rest of the trip and sang worship songs.  We prayed for the churches in Mexico and how God is accomplishing so much there.   Two weeks later, I stood on a ship, under the very same stars, praising the very same Lord, but in a completely new environment.  I was somewhere on the Aegean sea, the same one the apostle Paul had made his missionary voyages on.  I learned there about literal ruins and spiritual ruins.  I learned about how crucial a true relationship with God is and also how significant worship is.  i was burdened in my heart for Greece, a country with more crosses and churches perhaps that other and nearly 95% Christians, of which most do not actually know Christ personally.  Greece is beautiful on the outside, but now full of empty religion.  Promise #2: God will make beauty for ashes.  Promise #3: Worship the Lord, no matter where, no matter when, He longs for it.  Fast forward and I’m a million miles away back in the US.  And I’m driving home for work, heading west, and there they are, brilliant stars.  Reminders.  As i have a spiritual attack on the way home as I am overwhelmed by doubt, I look up and remember: Promise #4: God is faithful.  He works all things together for good.  He has plans for me for peace and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope.  I hope in this.  After driving home several nights alone, I abandon Florida for a week to visit the beautiful midwest.  At my grandmother’s house in Missouri, it is pitch black outside and the only light is from the moon and stars.  I had just ran a mile or so as the sun was setting, listening to Casting Crown’s song Here at your feet.  I rejoice in the night.  i understand Promise #5: God’s yoke is easy and burden is light. I can lay my every burden here at His feet.  God wants me not to hold on, but surrender all before him.  Suddenly, life is much easier. but only until things begin to change and I’m back at home starting senior year.  Then, the promises begin to fade like the stars by the incandescent streetlights in the city I live in.  A break sends me to Chicago where my friend and I pray under the stars by Navy Pier.  And I know this, Promise #6: Though I live in a big world, with so many lost, hurting, and broken, God is holding the world in His hand.  His hand? Where was His hand when I found I had pneumonia a couple weeks later?  Still in control… He wants me to grow closer to Him, even if that takes hardships.  Promise #7 under the stars in my backyard: God is drawing people closer to Him.  Whether it is teaching me to “Be still and know that He is God” by getting pneumonia, or transforming countless people’s lives by Harvest Crusades, or working in the lives of my classmates, God desires for us to know Him. 

                I sit beneath a blanket of stars, waiting for Promise #8.  I am steadfast.  time is flying by and stars are shooting across the sky, but God is unchanging, His promises are endless, and His love endures forever. 

To Be Steadfast.

That's my goal this year.

"What is my vision of God's purpose for me? Whatever it may be, HIS PURPOSE IS FOR ME TO DEPEND ON HIM AND HIS POWER NOW. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish- HIS PURPOSE IS THE PROCESS ITSELF. What He desires for is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but SIMPLY HAVING THE ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT BECAUSE I see "Him walking on the sea." It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.”  ~Oswald Chambers

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is STEADFAST, because he trusts in you." ~Isaiah 26:3