Next Chapter.

I feel as if we all have chapters in our lives and I see myself coming to the end of one.  In less than one month I will be heading off to Bible college in the midwest, beginning my life away from home.  I've traveled all over the country and world even, but have never lived anywhere else but here.  


As I transition to a new home, new friends, and even new ways to serve God, I will be opening a new blog, tumblr actually.


Thanks to any who have followed my journey over the past couple years on this blogspot.   I really am in awe of where God has taken me over the past couple years especially- earning my faith completely.  Here are some of the posts that I cover significant memories over the past years.


1. Wonder Full.
2. Exceedingly Abundantly More.
3. 12:32 AM.
4. Hallelujah.
5. For Now We See In A Mirror Dimly...
6. My Prayer.
7. Answered Prayers In His Way, Not Mine.
8. I Said, "Remember This Moment" In The Back Of My Mind.
9. For Such A Time As This.
10. Worship With Every Breath.
11. So What's Your Story?
12. Shiir Jeajai.
13. The Aim Of Our Charge.
14. My Heart Is Full.
15. I Don't Want Riches Or Man's Empty Praise.

{ }

I am tired of striving.

"A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough.  She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that he finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in him, she is enough.  In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our striving."
~Captivating

A day in the life.

I wish this was everyday.  Still, yesterday was loveliness.


8:14 AM - After hitting the snooze button once, I finally get up.
8:44 AM - Begin eating my luna bar and apple breakfast as I read Nehemiah 2.
9:11 AM - Sing along with Bones by Hillsong as I drive to church.
9:55 AM - Arrive at another local church with 5 other interns from my church and one of our pastors.
10:01 AM - Receive a high-five from someone because I go to this certain Bible school in the Midwest.
10:09 AM - Put 3 sugar packets into my Dunkin Donuts cup-of-Joe.
10:40 AM - Learn about leadership in a presentation and examine Nehemiah chapters 1 through 6.
11:16 AM - Talk about kick-boxing and paddle-boarding with fellow interns on the way back to my church.
11:55 AM - Get a table in my church's restaurant as I wait to meet my dad.
12:06 PM - Chat with my old Bible teacher about my past year and what God taught me on my Africa trip.
12:22 PM - Talk to my dad about the roles we hold in life- son/daughter, friend, employee, intern, etc.- and how hard it is to find the balance.
1:30 PM - Arrive home after making almost every green light.
1:46 PM - Purchase the song "Two Worlds" from the Tarzan soundtrack finally!
2:30 PM - Review what God has done in Golden Acres Outreach over the past year, pray for the next year, and listen to soundtrack and worship music.
3:34 PM - Go to the doctor's to get my blood test so I can get a blood type report so I can go on future mission trips.
5:46 PM - Order Falafal and Chicken Saganaki at a cute local Greek restaurant.
6:52 PM - Find seats with some friends in the corner of a Barnes & Noble and discuss the future of Golden Acres outreach.
7:26 PM - Pray with some other Christians we met in the book store.
7:52 PM - Run to get some of the last seats in the theater for the 8 PM showing of The Amazing Spiderman
9:23 PM - Cringe at something in the movie, I'm sure.
10:40 PM - Attempt to find an open Starbucks to go to but none are open.
11:00 PM - Arrive home and have a long chat with my sister. :)

Really lovely simple things:

The smell of the rain

Driving with the windows down

Laughing so hard you can't breath

Inside jokes

Singing a worship song that relates perfectly to what God is teaching you

Fresh bright tulips

Water rapids rides

Tazo tea with a friend

Painting ceramic pieces

Someone praying for you

Canoeing with my sister

Running on the beach with the sweet sea air

Hammocks

Cute little grandmothers

Sharing food

Seeing someone rededicate his/her life to Christ

Reunions

Birds singing

Mozzarella cheese sticks

Finding perfect sea shells

I don't want riches, or man's empty praise.

What God has revealed most clearly to me lately is eternal perspective.

You see, I just spent a month in a country where nearly every one of my new friends did not know the grace of Jesus Christ.  Even today I do not know if they will find Christ and that eternal hope of heaven.  While away, I held orphans in my arms and prayed over them, that one day they would come into contact with the gospel message and receive salvation.  Suddenly, exhaustion and sickness and hunger and hot temperatures and traveling alone and being afraid- they did not matter.  Eternity is what matters.

This past month I invested a lot of my Bible study into the book of 1 Peter.  The second chapter, verses 9 to 11, really stood out to me.  Verse 11 talks about how the fact that we as believers are to be "sojourners."  We are only traveling through life on this earth.  This should be reflected in the way I live my life, the areas in which I invest my time, and the purpose I choose to pursue.  

What Peter is saying that since we are only traveling through, why invest so much into our temporary time in fading things that are here?  Why look for pleasure here, when the lasting crowns will be in heaven?

In Revelation 2:9, John writes to the church Smyrna, "I know your tribulation and your poverty (but you are rich!)"  Yes these believers were physically suffering and were impoverished, but they were rich in Christ.  They had all they needed in Him and they knew it.  They were "sojourners," "tourists," "nomads..."  

As I seek to be a "sojourner,"  I'm learning to care less about what others think.  I am learning to care less for money and more for giving.  Yes, I am still loving my family, friends, and enjoying what God has blessed me with, but I am focusing less on the temporary.  

Jesus is my inheritance, now and always.  No matter where I am, He's there.  No matter what surrounds me, I am called to listen to the Holy Spirit and follow His lead.  No matter what I am afraid of, I need to overcome it to live the way that God can be glorified in me.  

"Therefore, we also, since we are surrounded by so great a crowd of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who, for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."  Hebrews 12:1-2.

In the "hall of faith" (Hebrews 11), God did not give any of the men and women there the full picture, yet they trusted Him and lived differently because of it.  They are now witnesses to my faith as I look to Jesus as an example.  He went through difficult things on this earth "for the joy set before Him."  He was eternally minded.

Jesus is my Savior.  I want the cry of my heart and the results of my actions to show that I know I am a "sojourner" and I have a "joy set before me" no matter what life here on earth brings.  As I go through life, I want my prayer to ever be, Be Thou My Vision.

Time is running away with me.

A year ago they told me that once you graduate high school, life moves forward in super-sonic speed. Well, time has definitely ran away with me since then.  


I have seen so many couples get married over the past year; one of my best friends got engaged last month.  A lot of my younger friends just graduated from high school.  I spent a month in Africa and traveled there and back by myself.  I now am preparing to go away to Chicago in the fall.  My grandpa passed away in this past February and we flew up for his funeral and my grandma moved out of her old house for the past 50 years.  I just went to high school summer camp as a group leader instead of a student.  My sister is now a Senior in high school.  I'm growing up- spiritually, emotionally, socially.  Time is passing yet God has never changed a bit.  He is the beautiful constant amidst the change.

Be thou my vision.

A hymn worth singing.

A cry worth praying.

A mission worth living.

A thought worth remembering all of my days.

My heart is

full... 

God is taking me to Africa.
Flight tickets bought, bags just about packed, countless prayers prayed, hugs given, phone calls made, letters sent, surprises prepared, conferences attended...
2 days ago I got this e-mail and talked to my dad on the phone.  There was suddenly a possibility the trip was off.  My heart was stricken.  Lies haunted me- God does not want to use me.  I am never going to be good enough.  Lies multiplied.
Then I just had a peace.  I knew the truth.  NO MATTER IF I WAS ABLE TO TAKE THE TRIP OR NOT, GOD LOVED ME.  If He was going to close that door, it was only because He was going to open another one.  Still, I felt such a strong calling to go.  Why would God call me and prepare me and put the pieces completely in place to abandon me?  My God is faithful.  He has steadfast love.  He will not leave me.  And He didn't.
I started reading Psalm 91 and dwelled on God's promises.  And you know what? He kept His promise!  
Tomorrow God is going to begin to stretch my faith in a completely new way as I embark on a trip to Africa.  I will be sure to keep you updated on the adventure as well as I can.   All I know is that these words cannot do justice to the overwhelming joy in my heart.  God has not abandoned me or found me useless.  He wants me to shine for Him on another continent.   


As I look back on my Freshman year of college, God never once left my side!  He was there during the good, bad, mundane, and joyous.  He was there and it was His will.  My heart is full. 

I do.

"Do I believe that you're my God? 

That You're all I need?  

That You're all I need?"

Realizations...

"To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do- to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its hardest and worst- is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed."


~Frederick Buechner

. Connecting . The . Dots .

On any given day, a flood of memories will hit me.  There's connections of songs, emotions, smells even, that bring me back in time.  It's like that 5-click game on wikipedia.  Each and every thing and event has a connection to another memory, until I find myself lost in thought.   Yesterday I found myself connecting the dots between how God has showed up in my life.  As I prayed, read some prayer journals, and remembered, I was overwhelmed by God's sovereignty in my life thus far.  Despite my own foolish mistakes, God has kept working everything together in my life for good.  He has revealed himself so many times in response to my prayers and heart's desires.  He also has worked things out for what is best even when I did not understand it at the time.  As I connect the dots between what God has done in my life, I can't help but be in awe.  It inspires a new trust in me.  

Recently,

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."

~John Burrough

{My Hope}

Afraid? Of what?

For my online Christian Missions class, I had to read a book entitled "A Martyr's Grace."  It covered the 21 men and women who became martyrs after attending Moody.  The book brought tears flowing from my eyes as I read about the people who died in horrific ways because they stood for their faith until the end.  What struck me as that each person was so similar to people I know today.  These martyrs were average people who had beautiful faith.  They weren't superhuman.  They were dedicated, funny, real.  They had a insatiable hunger and love for God.  


Reading their stories challenged me to have a deeper love for God.  I had been so caught up in following God that it was becoming a bit legalistic and tiring.  However, this book changed my focus back to God- and his love for me.  The other day my boss was encouraging me that I am always giving but I have trouble receiving back.  I think I actually have done this with God!  I've worked so hard to serve and love him to earn his love after.  The reality is, God loved me FIRST.  When I savor his love, it makes it so much easier to love Him back.  And this new-found love is inspiring a greater faith and fearlessness in me.


So what makes someone a saint or a martyr?  What do these believers have that makes their faith so great?  In The Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer mentions what inspires this faith: "I venture to suggest that the one vital quality which they had in common was spiritual receptivity.  Something in them was open to heaven, something which urged them Godward.  Without attempting anything like a profound analysis, I shall say simply that they had spiritual awareness and that they went on to cultivate it until it became the biggest thing in their lives.  They differed from the average person in that when they felt the inward longing, they did something about it.  They acquired a lifelong habit of spiritual response."  These people had an eternal perspective.  They lived like they truly  believed what Paul said in Romans 8:18, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”  They looked at all they had to face and asked, "Afraid?  Of what?"

The Aim of our Charge.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with thoughts about how completely un-useful I am to God.  I was looking around at everyone else and thinking about how I fall so short of being qualified to serve God.   My unending to do list and ministry responsibilities did not help.  Ministry was feeling like a chore and my heart was overwhelmed.

Yet this morning I work up, at 7 since I’ve been trying to get up early, to the sound of faint raindrops.  I grabbed my Bible and journal and sat on my porch outside and I felt so calm.  Soft raindrops were falling, clouds were overhead, yet the sun was rising and it was 70 perfect degrees out. 

As I prayed all the lies I had believed yesterday began to vanish.  1 Timothy 1:5 revealed to me this truth: “The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and sincere faith.”

It’s just that simple.  I need to show God’s love- from my heart, sincerely.  I don’t have to be overwhelmed in my inadequacy of not knowing five languages or being a genius at apologetics.  In time, I will learn these things.  In the meantime, I need to focus on what I do have to offer- love. 

I went to Bible school with a heart excited to love people and tell them about Jesus and discovered here how much knowledge I lack and how inadequate I am.  But I can’t let that consume me.  I cannot get distracted when so many people are perishing without hope.  I may not understand everything, but I understand enough to tell them about Jesus and show them His love.  And I will do this, whether in at work or in a nearby community or in Africa.  This is the aim of my charge.

You Are The Way.

I believe Jesus is the way, the only way.

Yet so many don't know; they are perishing.

The other night I saw Jeremy Camp and sang along-

"Shine, Bright, let your glory fill this land

Lift high the King of Kings and great I Am

Jesus, You are the way."

That's my prayer- has ever been.

I prayed for my class of 2011,

That God would be their way.

I pray for Golden Acres,

That these children will know Jesus.

I pray and reach out at work.

I am going to Africa to tell that Jesus is the Way.

I myself fall short but God will reveal Himself,

hopefully through the little bit I can do.

He's the way, I want more people to walk in it.

This Good Day.

"Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading..."

~O.C.

I'm afraid but I'm brave.  

God is leading me to some breath-taking places over the next few months and I want to be ready.

Meanwhile, I am just savoring this good day.  It consists of common tasks and future preparation.  Today was a day of prayer, learning arabic, memorizing Bible verses, running miles, Chinese food with Mom, baking cookies, going swimming, reading about world missions, painting, doing laundry and dishes, and a long lovely chat with my sister.  I praise God for yesterday's life lived, for today's moments to cherish, and tomorrow's hopes that overwhelm me with peace.

My "Heaven Songs."

Free by MercyMe


Home by Natalie Grant


This is Home by Switchfoot


Heaven Song by Phil Wickham


At Your Feet by Casting Crowns

We give You all the the glory...

It's crazy how hectic life can become and how I can become distracted as a result.  Over the past days, I really have come to see how my complete motivation in life is to worship Jesus Christ, my Lord.  I feel like sometimes my motives in ministry/missions are too often replaced with less-worthy goals.  I must keep coming back to worship.


As if on cue, last week my church hosted a huge worship conference.  I was able to see Phil Wickham in concert for the second time.  I also went on to my church's big worship night the next evening.  It was much needed.  I needed to lift my eyes away from the world and look to Christ.  I am realizing how much I desperately need this sweet communion with my Savior, this beautiful time worshipping Him on a regular basis.


Phil's song "Shining" really touched my heart.  The lyrics really speak of my thoughts:


"God, shining like the sun
Let your kingdom come
I want to be with You in Your presence
I'm here to bring you praise
You take my breath away
And now I'm here with You in Your presence."


I want God's kingdom to come.  I just want to be with Him.  I desire for all my actions to be reflective of my worship of Him.  I want my missions to come from my worship, as it says in the first chapter of Piper's Let the Nations be Glad.  God really does take my breath away when I think about who He is and what He has done.  He's sovereign and loving and just and good. He's shining.  He deserves ALL the glory.

“Lord, let me make a difference for you that is utterly disproportionate to who I am.”

John 15:4-5:
“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

Swans and Magnifying Glasses.

My grandpa is home now; he passed away on Friday.

As I thought about all he meant to me, I read parts of the book he wrote years ago.

He fought in World War 2, and death was always on his mind in those days.

He thought about dying at 24,

Who knew God would grant him 93 full years of life?

Make me more eternally minded Lord,

as I remember my grandpa and his life.

Don't let me forget those people in my life who taught me lessons,

those family members who loved me.

I don't want to forget.

To the audience of {1}

Friday I had a little meltdown.  Okay, it wasn't that little.  I kind of may have lost my cool because I found people were using my kindness to take advantage of me.  It kind of hurt.  However, a huge part of it was rooted in this tiresome desire in me to always please everyone.  I have spent a large portion of my life living to make other people happy or like me.  Then when I can't seem to make them happy or please them no matter if I am trying hard to please them, it's hard.
  
What I realized through a good talk with a friend of mine later that evening is that I can't keep living for others to see.  I need to live to the Lord- unto that audience of one.  Then I also need to let God do the work AND get the credit.  He deserves it, not me.  Instead of focusing so much on what others see in me and what others need to do themselves, I will focus on God.  He loves me all the time.  He has made me "fearfully and wonderfully," a workmanship he wants to use.  If I start looking to God to define me, hopefully I will not keep swinging between this intolerable self-pride and awful self-pity.  Though I am a sinful human being, God has chosen to use me.   How blessed I am to be able to partner with Him in service and live for His glory all the days of my life.


Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and race, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel,  for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me." ~2 Timothy 1:8-12~

The Waking Dawn.

No.  I will not give up.  I refuse to give in.  I will continue to serve, to pray, to hope.  God is gently working in people's hearts.  No, I can't see it all completely, but I still believe it. Prayers are slowly but surely being answered.  The Holy Spirit is convicting.  Hearts are waking.  Lives are changing.  Hope is arriving.  Gradually, the dawn is coming.  

"...to give knowledge of salvation to his people 

in the forgiveness of their sins, 

because of the tender mercy of our God, 

whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high

to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, 

to guide our feet into the way of peace.” 

Luke 1:77-79

God, teach me how to love.

"To love a person means 

to see them as God intended them to be."

~Fyodor Doestoevsky

Love is... patient

I really don't think it's a coincidence that this is the first description of love in 1 Corinthians 13.  Yet I think Christians often skim over it without contemplating the meaning.  It's easy to do this in today's world.  It feels like love should be almost instant- like everything else in America, like that 2 hour romance movie.  But beautiful love is not like that.

Patience means waiting.  Patience means enduring.  Patience means sacrifice and sometimes pain. Patience in different Bible translations means "suffering long."  According to those movies and the Bachelor, love doesn't involve much suffering.   Oh but it does.

Beautiful love holds out when it wants to let go.  Beautiful love doesn't settle but waits for the best.  Beautiful love takes time to develop and is not only a feeling.  Beautiful love will wait days, weeks, months and still love.  Beautiful love is not forced but is developed and deepened over time. This beautiful love is patient.

So God is the only true embodiment of "beautiful love."  But as I strive to be like Him each day, I strive to show beautiful love in my life too.  The guy I marry one day will not be perfect at showing God's beautiful love, but hopefully he will understand that patience we are called to in love and how God is our ultimate example of this.  That will be truly beautiful.

"Ebenezer" Stones.

1 Samuel 7:12- "Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, 'Till now the LORD has helped us.'”  

Joshua 4:19-20- "The people came up out of the Jordan on the tenth day of the first month, and they encamped at Gilgal on the east border of Jericho. And those twelve stones, which they took out of the Jordan, Joshua set up at Gilgal."

Today my pastor talked about Joshua and the memorial he set up by the Jordan river.  It was for the Israelites to remember all God had done for them.  This made me contemplate... What 12 "ebenezer" stones do I have in my life?  What 12 memories/places where God showed up can I treasure in my heart as I trust He will continue to do great things.  These words, phrases, places, listed below, are my memorial stones, of when God came through.

[I am nothing.  Everyday.  John 16:33.  To obey is better than sacrifice.  I was captivated.  "bEHOLD, LIKE THE CLAY IN THE POTTER'S HAND, SO ARE YOU IN MY HAND, o HOUSE OF iSRAEL."  In San Felipe. Be still and know that He is God.  I was deferred but He wasn't. prayers answered.  Your Love is a Song. A BIBLE.]

God doesn't need me.

It's a tad bit humbling but completely relieving.   God doesn't need me.  He's the creator of the universe, the designer of gravity, the artist of the sunset, the God who is drawing all men near to himself.  He wants me to help, to obey His calling on my life, but He doesn't want to to worry or try to save the world.  He doesn't want me to feel like I have to be this super hero.  That's who He is and I am merely His servant. I just have to walk in obedience to Him and bring Him glory where I am.  God is doing the same in other Christians' lives too.  Together, we will bring His gospel message.  It's not only my responsibility.  It's easy to forget that when I'm at home alone doing Bible school.  Thank you Lord.

Somewhere I belong...

It's 2012 and I've already traveled my fair share.  God brought me back to Mexico... A year ago I never would have guessed.  Then He helped me plan and go on an amazing spiritual retreat with some of the best people in the world.  Now, I am involved in the outreach my heart loves and am witnessing to people at work.  I am taking online classes with the best Bible college and am hopeful about heading to a major city in the midwest in August to continue my schooling. Right now I am contemplating about the months to come- where to go, what to do.  There are so many opportunities, so many different possibilities.  A year ago, I never would have dreamed this is where I would be, but God knew.  No, it's not all sunshine and rainbows but it's lovely.  Why?  Because even though I may cry now and again or may still have some tough moments, I am where I am supposed to be. 

And where is that?  With Him of course, in the middle of His will.
  

"And the heartbeat of my life, is to worship in Your light, cause Your glory is so beautiful, Your glory is so beautiful..."
Sons & Daughters

:'(

Hands down,

for some reason,

 I cry more about the

wonderful

times in my life than the

terrible

 times.



We all may be running away.

Today I had a sort-of epiphany.  It is only my second day in a row reading the book of Jonah, but God has already pinpointed my heart with how I need to change.  This is my prayer in response.

"God, so many of us believers have seen extraordinary love and grace and mercy from You.  Yet we have trouble sharing it!  We, like Jonah, want to hoard the gospel message because maybe some people just don't deserve God's grace.  No, we may never say this, but we act in this way. 

But this is a lie.  God's love is for EVERYONE. All people need to know that Jesus loves them enough He died for them.  We Christians complain about these 'plants'- we're running low on money, we disagree of this issue, we are bored of the Bible, we don't like our church, etc.  We consume our time with these selfish cries.  Yet billions of people are headed toward Hell if we don't say anything.  Billions of people are destined toward destruction and maybe they just need someone to tell them.

God, take away this heart of mine which sometimes reflects that of Jonah.  Help me to tell the 'perishing' about you at every opportunity I get.  Thank you for choosing to use me.  Please strengthen me not to run away."